The Quiet Girl

It was a night like any other night.  A night she had done a million times before.  She was alone again.  Like usual.  Searching to pull any kind of happy moment from another wasted day amongst the bottom rungs of another dark night.  She hadn't done anything today again. Like so many other days before today. She spent most of the day sleeping.  Just waking up to go to the bathroom and then back to sleep.  She wasn't much a cook either, so she would just eat whatever was in the fridge.  She usually just cut up raw carrots and lettuce.  No cooking required.  She was like a rabbit, she thought.  Yeah, a lonely, pathetic rabbit who never left its cage.  She did go antiquing from time to time.  It was her only hobby. But she rarely found the motivation to do it anymore.  

     She did find a nice, quaint shop about a week ago at the edge of town.  Hidden amongst a neighborhood.  Pickman's curiosities and relics it was called.  It looked like a little house on the outside.  There were no other businesses around.  It was nestled in between two larger homes.  She had walked by, wandering through random neighborhoods as she did sometimes because she didn't have a car.  One could have easily missed the place if not for a tiny sign sitting in the front lawn.  Pickman's curiosities and relics.  Please, do come in, it read.  The front door was of amber and a heavy red oak.  She turned the golden doorknob and as she pushed the door open, a little bell sitting above the door jingled.  Announcing to the shop keeper that a prospective buyer had entered. 

     An old man sat behind a desk with an old fashioned register sitting beside him.  He wore small clear glasses attached to a gold chain that hung loosely around his neck.  She assumed it was for hanging his glasses on his chest when he took them off.  He had a head full of grey hair and looked to be in his seventies or eighties.  He was reading a book when he heard the jingle. He looked up from behind his book and tilted down his glasses and said in an old, kind tone, "hello, young lady, let me know if there is anything I can help you with," and just like that, went back to reading his book.

"Thank you," she replied and she began wandering the tightly packed aisles.  There were shelves so packed with trinkets and oddities that there was no more space for any new things to fit.  There were bookshelves filled with old dusty looking books.  Glass display cases that held what looked like old mummified hands.  Golden necklaces, talismans and the occasional silver bracelet. 

     So many new things she had never seen before.  She meandered passed low sitting tables, heavy cabinets, mirrors, dishes and old artwork.  The shop had an old world smell.  Like wet wood and moss.  It wasn't very bright inside.  She wandered through like she was walking through a garden full of beautiful flowers.  Letting the tips of her fingers gently brush everything.

     She was enamored with the hidden history of every object.  Every little trinket was perhaps even older than she was.  Perhaps by decades, maybe even centuries.  She loved the idea that she existed in the midst of so many old relics.  Things that had seen so much.  Much more than she had experienced in her entire life.  These oddities and relics had been to so many parts of the world.  Even this little golden ring she picked up.  This has probably seen the sunsets in Italy, she thought, or the golden sandy shores of Greece.  Or maybe it has been laying for centuries at the bottom of the sea, seeing all manner of sea creatures no human as ever seen.  The possibilities were endless.  And she loved all of it.

     She navigated through the twist and turns of the labyrinth like aisles until she reached the very back of the shop.  And there she saw it.  A cute, silver, amulet necklace.  It had a thin silver chain and the amulet itself opened up where you could put two small pictures inside.  It was empty though.  There were no pictures there now.  She didn't have anyone to put in there anyway.  But she did really like it.  When she picked it up, she instantly felt a connection to the amulet.  She needed to have it. It was beautiful.

     She carefully turned it over searching for a price tag.  She inspected the engravings on the front and back.  They looked like flowery patterns and swirls.  It felt nice to touch..  But there was nothing attached to the amulet or the silver chain telling her how much it cost.  She made her way back to the front of the shop to where the old man was sitting.

"Excuse me sir," she said in almost a scared whisper.  She got nervous when she talked to people.  She had a stutter growing up that she worked really hard to get rid of but it sometimes came out when she got nervous. "H-how much for this?" she continued as she handed the old man the amulet necklace.  He grabbed one end of his glasses and held them as he inspected the necklace. 

"Oh, this is beautiful," he said in his old man voice.  "Let's see, lets see here, hmmm," he continued as he looked around it, also searching for a price tag that was not there.  How strange, he thought, he put price tags on everything in that shop himself.  Perhaps he missed one.  He would have to appraise it in the moment or else he could lose a potential buyer.  There hadn't been much business for such a long time.  So he did his best to come up with a good price.  "There doesn't seem to be a price," he said, "let's see,"  he continued as he walked behind a computer screen.  He pretended to research prices from a database that didn't exist.  She wouldn't know.  She couldn't see the computer screen.  He was just clicking random links and folders, just giving himself enough time to figure out a price he liked but also one she would pay.

"How about forty dollars?" he finally said.

She didn't like that price and the old man could see it on her face.  He acted quickly and said, "But how about for you..." rubbing his chin, "twenty dollars?"

She liked that price much better and smiled.  "I'll take it," she said before he changed his mind.

"Great!" the old man replied.  "I'll bag it up for you."

He grabbed a brown paper bag and a small case for the necklace and placed it inside the bag.  He folded the top neatly and handed it to her with two hands.

****

      That was a week ago.  The amulet necklace lay sitting on top of her dresser now, in front of a large mirror that also sat atop.  She hadn't really gone outside since then.  Except for work or to get groceries, she had stayed inside.  Nighttime was when she felt most comfortable anyway.  But she didn't really like going out when it was dark.  The world was asleep and even though she was still inside, she felt no one would notice her at night.  She listened to everything with headphones on and watched TV with headphones on.  She didn't bother anyone.  She was a quiet tenant.  Never disturbed anyone.  But tonight was different.  Tonight, she didn't feel as invisible as she usually felt.  Almost like something was watching her.

     She didn't notice at first, but as she watched television with her headphones on, things were moving around her.  Things that shouldn't be moving.  Things that usually stay in place after you set them down.  An empty glass in the kitchen was sliding slightly across the counter without her noticing.  Some pens rolled on the desk next to the wall.  Strange things were happening and she didn't notice any of it.

     She was watching her show while eating some popcorn from a bowl when she finally had to get up to go pee, so she paused her show, took off her headphones and went to the bathroom.  It was while she was washing her hands that she noticed her hair brush wasn't where she remembered leaving it.  Weird, she thought.  Maybe she just didn't remember moving it.  In either case, she paid no mind to it.  She sat back down and grabbed her headphones but before putting them back on, she looked strangely at the television.  It looked crooked.  At just the slightest angle.  Like it was tilted to one side.  Has she never noticed that before?  How could she never notice that? It wasn't crooked by very much but it was enough to notice and now that she had noticed it, she couldn't unsee it.  She got up and inspected the television stand.  It was level.  Seemed normal.  She then leaned her head behind the TV, examined the sides, slid her hand up and down the border of the screen.  Everything looked fine.  But why did it look crooked?  She couldn't watch her show until she fixed this issue.  She decided she was going to get some paper towels to place underneath the TV stand so that the picture would look level again.  It was an odd thing to stress over but it was something she couldn't let go.

     She went to the kitchen and noticed the empty glass on the counter.  Did I leave this right here, she thought.  Hmm, whatever.  She grabbed some paper towels and folded them carefully. She went back to the TV and lifted one side very gently and slid the folded paper towels underneath.  That should do it, she said to herself.  She stood back and took a quick look at the TV.  Perfect.  Okay, much better.  She turned around and sat back down on the couch and just as she was about to put her headphones back on she saw that the TV was crooked again.  What the hell, she thought.  I just saw it, it wasn't crooked.  I just fixed the damn thing.  She rubbed her eyes.  Maybe I'm just tired.  Maybe it's time to go to bed, she thought.

      She wouldn't notice it at the time but the picture frames sitting on the shelves behind her were moving very slightly while she was rubbing her eyes, trying to figure out her TV situation.   She looked at the TV and it was now tilted slightly to the left because of the paper towels she had placed underneath.  She removed them from under the TV and set the TV back down.  It wasn't crooked anymore.  It never was.  Her eyes were playing tricks on her.  I think it might be time to go to bed, she thought.  She stood up and as she did she felt a little nauseous.  So she sat back down.  Oh no, did I eat something bad, she thought immediately. Was it the lettuce I ate earlier?  I had heard there was a recall on lettuce. Was it contaminated, she wondered.  She sat for a moment, hoping it would go away soon and just then out of the corner of her eye she saw the small lamp on the desk slide.  It wasn't a far distance that it moved but she certainly saw it move.  She was sure of it.  She got up and walked toward the lamp and it was sitting slightly crooked. So it wasn't just her imagination. She stared at it.  She pushed it back in alignment with the rest of the desk.  She tried to figure out how it had moved.  Maybe she had rats.  She got shivers thinking about a rat scurrying across the floor by her bare feet.  God I hope not, she thought.  But maybe there Was a rat and it tugged on the cord that led to the power outlet.  She took a step back and looked underneath the desk.  There was nothing there.  

     She started to get a cold shiver that ran up her spine.  She decided to go lay in bed.  How did that lamp move, she kept thinking.  And slowly an eeriness began to creep into her mind.  Like a slow moving fog coming off the hills.  It seemed to fill the room.  She started turning off all the lights but kept one on in the living room.  Tonight, she didn't feel completely comfortable sleeping in complete darkness.  She laid down and pulled the blanket over her legs.  She looked at the picture hanging on the wall beside her closet.  She blinked a few times and rubbed her eyes.  She couldn't believe it.  It was also crooked.  It gave her shivers all across her body.  Get a grip Jessica, she told herself.  She was letting her intrusive thoughts get the better of her.  She closed her eyes and dragged both her hands down her face as she let out a few long, dry breaths of air.  Inhale.  Exhale. In...hale. Foooo.  Ex...hale. Foooo.  She took a few deep breaths and opened her eyes.  She was feeling better and then she looked at the picture again.  It wasn't crooked anymore.  Was she seeing things?  Had her depression and isolation finally make something crack inside her mind.  Nothing like this had ever happened to her before.

     She got up to go get a glass of water.  Once she got into the kitchen she noticed the empty glass from before had been moved again.  Did she move it last time?  She couldn't remember.  She must have.  She didn't want to believe the other explanation.  She grabbed the Brita filtered water pitcher from the fridge and grabbed a fresh new glass from the cupboard.  She poured  her water and headed back to bed.  As she walked away she could hear a soft sliding sound behind her.  She stopped immediately.  She slowly turned her head around while holding her breath.  She waited.  The apartment was dark except for the single light she left on.  She listened for the soft, sliding sound again.  There it was!  Something was moving in the kitchen.  Oh god, I hope it's not a rat, she immediately thought.  She slowly walked back with her eyes vigilant to any movement or for anything out of place.  What was she looking for? She didn't know.  She stared intently into the dark kitchen.  There!  The empty glass.  It moved.  It slid across the counter.  She turned on the light.  It didn't slide far but it definitely moved.  And actually, it's still moving. What...the....hell, she said out loud as she watched the empty glass sliding.  Nothing she could see was causing the glass to move.  What was going on?  She went to grab her phone to record what she was seeing and as she turned on the screen, there was a face of an old woman screaming with a painful look on her face.  With her teeth spread apart, yellow and decaying.  She dropped her phone.  What the fuck was that?  She stood silently for a few moments trying to understand what she just saw.  Her lockscreen usually had some anime character on it, she knows, she carefully chooses them to put as her wallpaper.  

     Someone must have hacked her phone, she thought.  Oh no, she might need to do a factory reset on her phone.  She slowly picked up her phone and hesitated for a moment before turning on her screen again.  It was back to normal.  Her anime character was still there and the time and date read correctly.  Or did it.  The time was correct but where the day should show said, "Festering, 66, 1408."  What the hell did that mean?  She rubbed her eyes with her fingers and opened them again and the date now said "Torture, 25, 1211." She rubbed them again and again it said something different.  It read "You're going to burn."  She turned the screen off and tossed the phone on the couch.  What the hell was going on? Was someone fucking with her?  Maybe it was that nauseous feeling from earlier.  Maybe she got some kind of food poisoning and now she was hallucinating.  She didn't see what she saw.  No way.  And the empty glass, that also wasn't moving either.  

     Just then, a loud crashing sound startled her.  It was the sound of glass shattering behind her.  She turned around quickly and went to the kitchen. There it was, on the floor in a million glass shards.  The empty glass that certainly wasn't moving before.  But if it wasn't moving, then how did it end up on the floor, shattered.  She stared at the pieces for a few moments.  Dread and fear began to take over.  That eeriness that filled the room before had begun to seep into her emotions.  She didn't feel like she was alone anymore.  There felt to be some kind of presence in the apartment now, with her.  Something didn't feel right.  There was only silence lingering in the air as she slowly looked around the apartment.  She wanted to see if anything else weird was happening.

     She wouldn't notice this at the time, but a growing shadow had begun to grow darker in the upper corner of the kitchen.  It had been there the whole time but she never thought to examine it closer.  The apartment was dark.  It was nighttime.  There was shadows everywhere.  She thought nothing of it at the time.

      As she scanned the walls and shelves for anything out of the ordinary, the phone began to ring.  It said Mom on the caller i.d.  It was late.  Why was her mom calling her.  She picked it up and hesitantly answered it.

"Hello?" she answered in an impatient tone.

"Hey.  I didn't wake you did I?"

"No, no, no.  I was awake," she said rubbing her eyes again.  "What's up?"

"What are you doing?  Watching your show?"

"I was but then I was getting ready for bed."

"Oh, okay."

"Hey mom..." she started.

"Yeah?"

"Have you..." she continued before stopping herself.  She didn't want to get into a conversation about the weird things that were happening.  Especially with her mom.  She would only make it worse.  It would only make everything scarier.  Plus, what could her mom tell her anyway.  They weren't that close.  Which is why it was weird she was calling so late.  It must be important, she thought.  "Is something wrong mom?"

"Wrong? No, nothing's wrong...it's just that," she said before trailing off and saying nothing.

     Jessica again wouldn't notice but the shadow that had been growing in the kitchen had now moved to where the desk was.  It had slid underneath looking like any other normal shadow would.

"What mom? What's wrong?" she asked growing more impatient.

"It's just that...is anything weird going on right now for you?"

She frowned her face.  Why was she asking that?  How could she possibly think that?  "What?" she replied.

"Like, is there like, how do you say...paranormal things happening in your apartment?"

"Why would you ask that mom?"

"I just get those feelings sometimes.  You know the feelings I used to get when you lived here.  Do you remember?"

"Yeah, I remember mom and I remember how scary you could get too when you would tell us the devil was in the walls."

"They were mija, they were.  I was only trying to protect my children."

"Protect? Ha.  And what is it now mom?  Are the devils in my walls?  Are you warning me about some kind of evil thing?" she said as all her childhood rage began to pour out.  She had left that home.  And she left for good reasons.  Her mom was always too superstitious to get any kind of motherly comfort from her.  Always felt like she just wanted to have control over her and her brothers and sister.  She didn't really care if they were okay.  She only cared if she was in control.  When bad things or just bad luck happened to her, she would blame other people for it and would wish them harm.  She even once saw her mom doing witchcraft in her bedroom.  At least that's what she thought it was.  

     She had heard whispering and weird sounding words one night being repeated over and over and over again.  So she got up from bed and headed towards her mother's bedroom.  Her door was slightly open and she saw her mom on her knees, with her hands together above her head with a thin silver chain wrapped around both her wrists, tying them together. She had dozens of candles lit in front of a mirror.  Her mom had her head facing the ground, rocking back and forth, whispering weird things.  She looked into the mirror from the small slice of space from the open door and to this day she swears she saw a shadowy figure in the reflection.

"I don't know mija, I just sort of all of a sudden had a bad feeling and needed to call you.  To see if everything was alright."

"Yeah mom, everything is alright," she said even though the weird things happening made it not alright.  The frustrations she felt toward her mom overtook any scared feeling she had.  Maybe that was good thing.  It got her mind off the strangeness that was going on.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes mom.  I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Okay mija."

And she hung up the phone.  She was frustrated but didn't understand why she was so annoyed by the phone call.  She almost couldn't control the negative emotions she was feeling.  She took a few moments to calm down and started to think about it.  That was a strange coincidence that she would call this late asking if anything weird was happening.  Because there was weird things happening.  Shit, the fact that her mom called and asked that was also a weird thing.  

     She took a breath and went to the dark, unlit bathroom and reached for the light switch but nothing was there.  She searched  for it in the darkness rubbing her hand on the wall but something felt wrong.  The wall felt like skin.  Like an old person's skin.  She pulled her hand away quickly.  What's happening, she thought.  She rubbed her eyes again and gently slapped her face.  Get a grip.  Get a grip.  She again reached for the light switch and it was exactly where it was every. single. time.  She turned the light on and went to the sink to wash her face.

     She didn't notice as she went to bend down to splash cold water on her face that her reflection did not bend down with her.  Instead it only moved its eyes following her as she bent down over the sink and stared.  

     When she stood up again, she grabbed the small towel hanging next to the sink.  She covered her entire face and took a few deep breaths.  Everything is okay.  Everything is okay, she repeated to herself.  The paranoia was beginning to take hold but she kept fighting to not lose this battle.  She pulled the towel off her face and looked at her reflection.  Was it smirking?  Was her reflection giving her the tiniest of smiles or was she, herself smiling and didn't notice?  I don't see that, she told herself closing her eyes.  But she did.  She wasn't going to validate it though by saying it was real.  It wasn't.  It couldn't be.  She shook her head and chose to ignore it.  She was about to leave the bathroom and turn off the light when she decided she would leave it on.  She looked around the living room with now, wide frightened eyes.  She didn't know what she was looking for.  She turned and headed to the bedroom before stopping.  She was absolutely sure, well as sure as she could be in her present state of mind that there was no knife sitting on the kitchen counter before.  Why would she pull one out?  She didn't.  Why was it sitting there though?  She stared at it as she slowly took a few steps towards it.  Her heart was beating so hard she could feel it in her neck.  It felt like it was about to burst through her ribcage.  Her eyes wide and throbbing.  How could this knife be here? Something wasn't right.  Yes.  Finally, she admitted it to herself.  This wasn't right.  Something otherworldly was going on.  Everything felt wrong.  There was something alien here.  

     Panic began to fill her lungs.  It felt like she was drowning.  Her eyes began to dart around the room as panic made her see crawling things on her arms.  Spider looking things.  She swiped them away but they didn't fly off.  No matter how hard she tried.  She screamed as she could feel little crawly things all over her body.  She shook her head wildly, swinging her arms and hair every which way.  And then nothing.  They were gone.  Like nothing had happened.  She took a moment to compose herself.  She took five or six deep breaths.  Hold it together, she thought.  She went to the bedroom and looked out the window just to make sure the world was still there and wasn't also doing weird things.  That's when she noticed a soft, silver gleam of light in the corner of her eye.  She turned her head and noticed that it was the silver amulet necklace sitting atop her dresser, the one she had bought at the antique shop.  It was glittering the light from outside.  She went to pick it up and stopped in horror.  In the mirror, she saw a shadowy figure standing behind her.  She turned around but there was nothing standing there but then much to her horror, there was a shadow lingering on the far wall. She stood frozen in fear.  She didn't know what she was looking at.  It was darker than any of the other shadows.  It swallowed any light it touched.  It was the deepest, darkest black she had ever seen.  She stood frozen in fear, getting sucked in by the darkness.  Falling into a trance like state.  And just then, her phone rang from the living room.  It took her out of her trance and she ran to the living room and answered.  It was her mom again.

"Mom! Mom!" she said crying.  "There is something wrong happening here.  It isn't right.  It's all wrong mom!"

But she got no answer.  "Mom?" she said softly.  "Are you there mom?"

"Jesssssica...is that you?" she said sounding like she was half asleep.

"Mom? What's wrong?"

"Jesssssica....." she said taking a long pause before asking, "Where am I?"

"Mom, what's wrong?"

"I don't...recognize this place," she said in a groggy sleepy voice.

"Mom, where are you? I'm coming to get you."

"I don't...know," she replied in a slow slur.  "I don't...feel right," she said.  "I'm thirsty."

"Mom, what's happening?"

"They're hurting me, Jessica."

"Who mom?  Who's hurting you?"

"I don't know...it's dark here...I don't know where I am..." then a loud shriek came out of the phone hurting her ear and then a staticky voice.  A foreign voice began to talk.  

"You want to see it! I'll show you!  Twenty four and six! You want to see it!  I'll show you! Twenty five and seven! Do you want to go to heaven.  Oh no, sorry, instead you will be dead.  And to hell you will go and you will burn.  Twenty six and six! It's the beast! You want to see it! I'll show you!"

She listened in horror.  There was a growing terror in her bones from not what it was saying but of the sound of this voice.  It had a metallic, static sound to it. It wasn't human.  It was emptiness.  It was something not of this world.  It was something that should not be here.  It wasn't the voice of a person.  It was the sound of the dread in the room.  The sound of the eeriness she felt drowning inside of her, it was the all the horror and terror she felt this night being poured into this voice.  It was the voice of a demon.  And it was coming from the amulet necklace.  She knew it.  She knew it in her soul.  She could feel a presence attached to it and it was pouring out of it.  Pouring out of the walls and floors.  Growing from the shadows.  It wanted to be here.  But it wasn't completely here, not yet.  She knew that.  But it was coming and it was hungry and she knew she was dinner.

     She had to get out of there.  She dropped the phone but could still hear that horrible voice screaming.  "You want to see it! I'll show you!  Even if you leave, you will never leave.  Try to hide and it will find you.  Twenty two and ten.  All your family is dead."

With every ounce of strength she began walking to the door.  It was like something was holding her in place.  Not letting her move.  She could only very slowly take one step at a time.  And right before her eyes, the apartment began to melt.  The walls began to sag and curve.  The ceiling sagged like a thick glob and the floor stuck to her feet.  The front door started to bend in unnatural ways.  She pulled all her strength to take another step towards the door before it melted away.  She took one heavy step after another.  All her pictures had transformed, they had demonic faces in them.  Some had animals eating children.  Mouths appeared in the walls, smiling with yellow sharp teeth.  Round shadow things with ten legs moved around the ground.  The pictures of herself now showed strange naked women with bleeding eyes and grinning cannibal teeth.  The apartment was collapsing on itself.  She needed to get out.

     What she didn't realize however, was that she wasn't actually walking toward the door.  She was really walking to the kitchen where the knife had been sitting on the counter.  She had grabbed it and had begun slicking her wrists.  Blood had begun pouring out of her as she collapsed to the floor.  Around her was just a normal apartment.  It wasn't melting.  There was no demonic voices screaming.  Nothing was moving.  It was just a girl bleeding out from her wrists.

***

She had awoken in the hospital connected to machines.  Her wrists hurt and she could barely breath.  She looked around the room and saw a nurse come in, "Where am I?" she asked.

"You're in the ICU.  You're fine.  Everything is okay.  Just stay calm. You're lucky to be alive."

     Many months later, it was explained to her that her neighbors had broken open her door because they could hear deathly screaming coming from inside.  Like a bloody murder was happening.  They had found her bleeding out on the kitchen floor.  They had saved her life.  She has since moved out of that apartment and gave back the amulet necklace to the antique shop.  

     She can still hear that hollow inhuman voice screaming from the phone.  She swears it was all real.  It still haunts her dreams and her waking moments.  And in all those weeks she spent recovering in the hospital, not once did her mom come visit.  She didn't know it at the time but she came to find out that was because her mom had died that same night.  She had also cut her own wrists and bled out.  Though, no one came through her door.  It would be days before anyone would find her.

Coil

      I write this now hoping it will provide me the comfort that I seemed to have lost.  The grounded comfort of what it means to be alive.  To have experiences you remember and that have a tangible feeling on your soul that has helped you grow into the person you are.  But I seem to only have memories to a certain point.  So I hope in writing this, I can find some of those comforts so many others enjoy.

     It was the summer of '96.  The way the world moved was different in those days. The town of Toppenish was different back then.  Kids could wake up with eager hearts to play outside and disappear in the morning, maybe scarf down breakfast in a hurry so they can leave in a rush and return when the sun was going down just in time for dinner.  Right before it got dark, my mom would always say, be back before dark.  That's all that was required.  At least that hasn't changed much, I would assume.  But I'm not sure though. Back then, our parents would make sure we were okay and being safe and were home before dark.  It gave us kids a lot of freedom.  

     Downtown was barely even a quarter mile stretch.  It had only a few businesses.  A video rental place.  A laundromat and a post office all within walking distance from each other.  We didn't live close to the city center but it was a short bike ride away for me and my friends.  I could go to any corner of town with my bike no problem.  There was a sense of freedom in that, like I had the whole world in reaching distance.

     We lived at the edge of town.  Where it stopped like a wall.  Like someone had drawn a line and said, no more houses or apartments beyond this point.  Beyond the row of small houses and apartments was just farm fields and brush for miles.  It's different now.  No more farmland.  Just more houses and an elementary school.  But back then, the town stopped in a straight line and open farmland started.  Straight roads that connected the nearby towns together stretched away in straight lines.  No transit buses. No taxis or ubers.  Nothing like that.  You either had a car or you bummed a ride from someone you knew or knew someone that knew someone.  And if you were really desperate you would walk the fifteen or twenty miles to the next town over and hope that someone driving by would pull over and offer you a ride. 

     I would wake up early on those summer days and the first thing I would do was throw on some shorts and take my bike out the back door.  There were boxes crowding the small walkway that led to the backdoor and my mom would always hear me moving the boxes so I could wheel my bike out.  It was a small apartment, it was only four of us, my mom, my dad, my sister and me but it already wasn't enough space.

"Hey!" my mom would shout from her bedroom, barely waking up, "where do you think you're going mister?" I can still hear her like it was yesterday.

"I'm just gonna ride around the block mom, I'll be back soon," I would tell her as I wheeled my bicycle out the door.

"Okay, but be back soon.  I'm going to make breakfast and you'd better be here to eat it before it gets cold," she would say.  I never wanted to upset her by not eating her food.  She always reminded us how hard our dad worked so we could have food on the table.  'You clean that plate mister', she would say.  Meaning we better eat everything she served us.  That was easy, my mom was a good cook.

     Those were the days of growing up with a certain sense of freedom and safety but also knowing you were taken care of.   Not like how it is when you're an adult.  Having to hold a job.  Paying your bills.  Dealing with people you don't like. Everything becomes such a blur when you're an adult, its hard to create meaningful memories.  Back then though, you could still be the master of your own life even if you really didn't actually have that much power.  It didn't matter, everything still felt completely free and endless.  And when I rode my bike, I felt like discovery was just around any corner.  Not so much anymore.

      That's the way I remember it anyway. The way world moves today feels different.  But I was a kid then.  What did I know about the world.  There were no smartphones back then, no internet, no wi-fi.  We got most our entertainment from the television and if not from there, comic books or the radio and if not from there then all we had was our imagination.  Maybe that's why certain things feel sterile today.  Maybe that's why the world feels, how do you say, not as authentic as back then.  It's not a matter of taste, there's just something about it that just doesn't feel right.  Something that doesn't feel real to me.  And I struggle with that.

     During that summer, I left in the morning like I always do.  I wheeled my bike through the back walkway and carefully moved the boxes and again, as she always did, my mom shouted, "Where do you think you're going mister?"

"Just going to ride a few blocks mom, I'll be back soon. I'm not hungry today," I shouted back.

"Okay, but make sure you don't stay in the sun too long or you'll burn yourself."

"Okay mom."

I rode around the neighborhood for a little while and it was hot that day.  I could feel the sting of the heat on my neck and beads of sweat rolling down my face.  I decided I wanted to go to the small stream just outside of town.  It was a narrow stream that flowed underneath a small bridge.  There was lots of shade there and it was usually cool.  I rode toward where the line of houses and apartments separated from the farm fields that seemed to stretch out into infinity.  I loved riding out there watching the irrigation water flowing through the trenches of the strawberry patches and then the through cucumber plants on the next field over.  There was so much produce growing out there.  I could exist out there for much longer than my mother would like.  And some days, I did.  I would just chase small frogs or splash sticks into the water.  But today I was going to the small stream that ran underneath a small bridge.

     Once I got to the fields I turned down Bleeker street and followed that straight until the flat farm land turned into trees and bushes.  The road led away from town.  There were no sounds out there other than the sounds of the moving world.  No people.  Just the sound of buzzing insects and the wavy heat from the sun.  There was just the soft gargle of the irrigation water flowing through long ditches.  I felt completely free and alone out there as I rode my bike feeling the warm air blowing against my face.  I wasn't even sure where the road led beyond the stream, this was my whole world.  As far as I was concerned, it was the whole wide world.

     When I finally made it to the bridge I leaned my bike against the barrier.  I was never worried about anyone stealing my bike.  I never saw anyone around there.  I then slowly made my way down the slope leading to the stream. I took careful steps down a steep slope. I leaned back as I carefully took my steps.  I put one hand down as I stepped, to prevent my feet from slipping.  It wasn't too long of a slope but it was a little steep, with slippery spots.  If you weren't careful, you could easily slip and tumble  down.

     I made it down to the banks of the stream.  It wasn't a wide stream, maybe twelve to fifteen feet wide.  It flowed across and under the bridge.  The shade here was such a relief from the heat.  The beads of sweat stopped dripping and the air under the thicket of trees felt fresh and cool.  You could barely see through the lines of trees.  It was very shady here.  And looking underneath the bridge the shade was even darker.  It was hard to see at times.  I played by the water for a little swinging sticks in the air and splashing water for a while before I heard a voice coming from underneath the bridge.

"Hey, little boy," the voice said.

I turned around in shock because there was never anyone here.  I just stared into the dark shade under the bridge trying my hardest to figure out who the voice belonged to but couldn't see anyone.

"Hey..." the voice said again, "over here."  And then I saw it, a man, or something that looked like a man, sitting on the ground leaning up against the wall.  He had one leg outstretched and the other bent upward with his arm hanging over his knee.  "You got anything to drink?" he asked in a raspy dry tone.  Like how a voice would sound in the morning after being at a concert and shouting all night.

"No sir," I replied immediately wanting to leave and go home.  Never talk to strangers.  Everyone knew that.

"It's hotter than the fire's of hell today, isn't it."

"Yes sir," I said as fear began to overtake my body.  Something about this man wasn't right.  I wanted to go home but my body wasn't listening to me.  I just stood there.  

"You're not thinking about going home are you?" the voice said.  "You just got here."

I didn't reply.  I didn't want to get into a conversation.  I knew enough that I wasn't supposed to talk to strangers.  And this man was sitting underneath a bridge outside of town.  I knew enough to want to go home and not engage in any kind of conversation.  But there was something else.  Something that felt not of this world about the man.  I could feel it in my bones.  

"Don't be afraid Johnny boy, I'm not going to hurt you," he said.  I was in complete shock because how did he know my name.  Did he know my parents? How did he know me?

"Johnny boy, oh johnny boy," he said singing in a low raspy voice.  "Why won't you play with me?"

I couldn't reply.  Fear had me frozen stiff.  Freezing parts of me that would have already run away.  I just stared into the dark shade underneath the bridge as this man spoke to me. I could barely even speak.

"I n-need to go home, sir," I said to the darkness that was shaped like a man.

"No you don't, Johnny boy," he said as he stood up.  I couldn't make out any features. I couldn't see a face or skin or anything. He was just a black silhouette in the shape of a man.  Like a shadow moving that wasn't stuck to the walls.  He then pointed at me and I looked down at my pants and I had peed myself.

"No no no, that just won't do, now will it, Johnny boy," it hissed.  "What would your father think.  Tsk, tsk tsk," he said in a disappointed tone.  I didn't know what I was looking at.  It was just darkness moving like a man.  And the shaded areas of the bridge were growing and becoming a complete shapeless darkness.  Like a void.  No details.  No texture.  Just complete darkness that swallowed the light. It moved and stretched up from the ground and over everything underneath the bridge.  The thing started lumbering toward me.  Moving in an unnatural way.

"Don't worry Johnny boy, I'm not going to hurt you," it said as parts of its body started disappearing into the void.  "But you're stuck here with me now," it said. "For eternity," it said as it revealed a long smile that shined bright white sharp teeth.  Like a shark's teeth.  Like the mouth a predator.  "Doesn't that sound nice, Johnny boy."

I wanted to move so badly but couldn't muster an inch.  It was right, I was stuck.  It was like it had an invisible grip around my whole body.

"You want to leave?" it asked.  "Go ahead, say it, and I will let you leave," it taunted as it continued to lumber forward toward me. Taking one step at a time. I couldn't get any words out.  Just empty air escaped my mouth.  Where the bridge was, underneath was just a black void stretching out into infinite nothingness.  It was slowly stretching to the ground underneath my feet.  

"Oh, what's that, nothing to say," it said toying with me.  "Seems to me, you want to stay.  Oh, I think that would be okay.  You can stay Johnny boy, you can stay forever. I can make you see whatever I want.  You can have whatever you want."

"I j-j-just want to g-g-go home!" I finally shouted. And the thing stopped moving.

"I'm impressed, Johnny boy," it said.  "Okay, you can go home," it said again revealing its sharp long smile.  "If you can outrun me Johnny boy."

And then in a flash, I found myself running up the slope toward my bike.  I don't know how I got here but I knew I was running and I continued to run.  I felt something behind me chasing me.  I turned around and a snarling void in the shape of a man with sharp white teeth and blood oozing from the side of its mouth like saliva was charging me. Like an animal chasing its prey ready to sink its jaws into my flesh.  It was charging right behind me.  I could feel it moving behind me.  I could hear its feet stomping into the ground so close behind.  The panic was so intense it almost made me freeze again.  But I forced myself to keep moving.  I screamed and scrambled up the slope on all fours before reaching my bicycle.  I hopped on and rode as fast as I could and turned around again and there it was, a large black void shadow, chasing me with a gaping open mouth and blood dripping from its mouth. I rode hard toward the sunlight.  To the breaking tree line. To get back home.  Where it was safe. But I could hear its thumping footsteps on the road sprinting behind me. I rode as fast as my legs would push. Then I noticed, it had already bitten me.  I was missing a huge chunk of my stomach.  I hadn't noticed before because the panic was so intense but my intestines were spilling out of my stomach.  Tumbling out and twisting into the bike chains.  I could feel the strength in my legs leaving me.  My heart was beating like it was going to explode but even with my innards spilling out of me I just needed to keep going. When I got to the sunlight, I saw another flash.  And I was back, standing in front of the dark figure again.

"Hahaha!" it laughed loudly in a terrible cackle.  Like some kind of animal gargling its tongue.  "See, Johnny boy, you are stuck here with me.  Forever.  You are never leaving here."

I looked down where the part of my stomach was missing and it was fine.  No bite.  No intestines spilling out.  No blood. 

"I'm going to eat you, how does that sound.  I'm going to rip you apart and drink your blood," it said as it took a step toward me.

I closed my eyes tight and I could hear it steps coming toward me until finally, it was standing directly next to me and I opened my eyes very briefly.  I saw it right in front of my face.  A deep void of nothingness.  Like the infinite expanse of outer space.  I could feel a hopeless dread deeper than anything I had felt in my life devouring my soul.  Like how it feels when you get the air knocked out of you.  But for my soul.  Like my consciousness was being eaten.  I could feel myself losing my grip on who I was.  Losing what I was.  Losing my grip on reality.

     This is the part that still haunts me to this day.  My eyes were then overcome in white light and reality seemed to pour back in.  Slowly I could see details of a room.  I saw a TV.  I began to see a window and a lamp.  I was laying in a bed.  There was a nightstand beside me with an alarm clock that said 3:15am.  I turned my head over and there was a person laying next to me.  Sleeping.  The room had a low shimmering glow from the moon in the sky outside.  Panic began to overtake me.  Where was I?  I sat up and I startled the woman that was sleeping next to me. 
She turned over and put her hand on my back, "What's wrong honey?" 

And I pulled away quickly, "Who are you?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" she looked at me very confused.

"Where am I?"

"You're at home, John."

"This isn't my home."

"What's going on John? This isn't funny," she said. "Did you have a bad dream?"

"Where is it?"
"Where's what?"

"Th--th-the thing.  The shadow thing."
"Okay, you're freaking me out now John.  I'm going back to sleep."

I looked down at my hands.  They were grown up hands.  Adult hands.  I saw a mirror on top of a dresser against the wall and saw that I was an adult now.  I had grown up.  But I had no memories of growing up.  I had no memories of this stranger laying in bed.  And I knew not to talk to strangers.  What happened? I would believe I dreamt the whole damn thing if I woke up in my childhood bed.  With my Star Wars bedsheets.  And my toys on the floor.  With my parents in the next room in that small apartment. But I wasn't there.  I was in this strange place that I didn't recognize.  

     As the years have gone by, people from my life have slowly tried to fill me in on the life that I don't remember.  My mom tells me stories of when I was kid all the time to help me to try and remember but I only remember her when she was younger.  This older woman that she was now even looks strange to me.  It's hard to trust her.  Hard to believe this is my mother.  It's hard to listen to these stories and not think that she is talking about somebody else.  There are parts I remember from before the shadow thing that matches my memory but everything after I don't have any memories.  And nothing clicks.  Nothing comes back.  It's a total void.  I have no memory of my life.  The woman who woke up next to me, left me.  Because I couldn't remember who she was.  But I didn't feel anything.  In many ways, I still felt like a child for a long time.  If I were to be this adult, I still had a lot of growing up to do.  In my bones I still wanted to just grab my bike and ride in the sunlight.  Like how I did all those years ago.  I never got to grow out of that.  I never felt my first kiss.  Didn't experience my graduation.  My first car or going to college.  I just have memories of riding my bike and feeling free.  But all that's gone now.

      I still get panic attacks from time to time.  And at night, I get nightmares of that shadow thing.  It has taken me a long time to get comfortable closing my eyes and seeing the darkness there.  It reminds me of that deep, dark void I saw.  Complete nothingness that my soul could have existed inside.  Forever.  I keeping thinking that I'm going to see a flash or wake up from one of my nightmares and be back there again.  With that thing standing in front of me.  And I could get another chance to outrun that thing.  If only I could have unfroze my body and ran up that hill and grabbed my bike.  I could have outrun that thing.  I could have gotten back home and been safe.  I could have been back in time for dinner and I would never go back there again.  There is a part of me that hopes that would happen.  For me to be back there in that moment again and get another chance.  Because of what it told me.  "You are never leaving here.  You are stuck with me," it said.  Was I still stuck in one of its illusions?  Is it still possible for me to go back to my old life?  It's been years.  And I fear, I will die an old man.  With so many new memories of this new life and once I am ready to take my last breath and find peace, there will be another flash and that thing will laugh its inhuman cackle and show me its evil long smile.  Showing me its sharp white teeth that is surrounded by infinite deep black nothingness. And reveal to me that none of that was real.  And that even if I went back to my young life again, I would have all these new memories of being an adult that were never real.  And that sense of freedom, that sense of having the whole world still to experience would be gone anyway.

 

The Silken Plains

"the Silken Plains"

    Below the red skies I rode. I had been riding so long I had begun to let the ache in my muscles fade out of my mind. I blinked hard a few times to get the weariness out of my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose as I gazed upon those bluish and violet hills in the distance, squinting under the orange dwarf sun's light searching for meaning among the shapes of the hills where there was none.

    To the east were pale purple and yellow grass on flat silken prairie stretching out as far as the eye could see until finally disappearing into colossal summits of hellish snow capped mountains. To the west were web-like pink and grayish forests where no light seemed to pierce. But I focused forward on the pastures straight ahead of me. Focused on those rolling plains of purple silk and blue meadow.  That’s where they were. 

    Night had begun to stretch across the starlit sky. The hellish orange and reddish hue of day started to become a deep grayish purple and blue as this planet's sun began to dip below the horizon revealing infinite sparkling points of pale light twinkling all across the sky. I knew I needed to set up camp soon and start a fire before the infinite dark swallowed what little light I had left. Before the terrors of these plains came crawling.  

    I knew I would be safe with a fire. Safe among its warm light. I had been riding these parts most of my life. Grew up learning these lands. Until I left for the municipality of Xenos. That’s where I met you. I always thought one day you would be here with me, thought maybe we would be looking up at the stars together watching the twin moons dancing, watching this planet's turquoise rings radiating their vibrant colors as they moved like rivers across the sky from one horizon to the other as they spun around the planet. I wonder where you are right now. I wonder if you even think about me? Or are you off planet somewhere? I guess it doesn't really matter.

    I needed to focus on making my fire instead of on thoughts of you; before all manner of human-sized creatures begin to crawl near. A large enough fire to have a circle of light of ten meters, I think that should be good enough. That's what I learned growing up. That’s what my dad taught me.  The light always kept the creatures away and there always needed to be a circle of ten meters of light. At least. Anything less and you’re asking for trouble.

    I rolled out my mat and tied my horse down inside the ring of light. I laid down upon the silken sheen of the pink and yellow dirt watching the massive rings above, silently swirling against star-ways and galaxies that were glowing behind them, flowing like a stream of shimmering water in the night sky; glimmering every star point with ivory diamond light. I think about you when I'm alone like this. When I watch the star-ways, wondering if you are looking at the same stars as me. Right at this moment, at the same time as me. Maybe we are connected in this moment without even knowing it.  When you left me, I was broken.  I thought there was nothing left for me.  It's because of you I am out here right now riding across these silken plains again hunting those things. I also needed to get away from the suffocation of the municipality. I needed to get away from everything and figure my life out.  I needed to make some money.

    Night had begun to spread itself across the plains and it didn't take long for things to start moving inside the darkness. I could already hear all the prairie's living things crawling near, pattering quickly with their strong legs and coming right to the edge of the light. I can see one of them already. I can see all of its fifteen eyes glowing an emerald green, reflecting the flickering light from my fire. Its alien clicking sounds cackling and crunching into the night air. Its many-jointed limbs tapping into the dirt as it moves around eagerly just beyond the edges of the light.  This massive creature looked like an eight digit hand but with large, spiny, hairy legs instead of fingers. Crawling and pattering quickly back and forth amongst the darkness just beyond where I can see. Its leathery and muscular body moving among the shadows.  Kicking dirt and bouncing eagerly, trying to figure out a way to grab me and drag me away into the darkness.

    They were spiders the size of a full grown person. They were common here. That’s why I was really here.  I needed their venom to sell.  I needed to make some money. And spider venom was really valuable around these parts.  I knew they never came into the light, but they always tested how close they could get because as my dad told me, they could always smell the flesh of humans. You always had to be alert.  Always had to be aware of where they were.  I saw one rip apart a man to pieces once. It grabbed the man with its legs and stretched him apart until he was ripped in two. I will never forget his screams. I was 14 I think.

    Looks like it’s going to be another long night but at least I'll be thinking about you as I watch the turquoise rings swirl and radiate their infinite colors like star-way river streams, wishing you were here with me to see all this beauty.  I was going to have to track this spider back to its den in the morning.  You couldn’t hunt them at night.  That was just asking for a painful death.

    The next morning I woke up from a nightmare. It was of that man getting ripped apart again.  He was a hired hand for my dad.  We needed the help back then to hunt these spiders.  We had set up camp and the fire was big, creating a huge circle of light.  We were all talking and laughing and the man became too comfortable and got reckless.  He strayed too close to the edge of the light.  That’s when I saw it.  A huge spider emerging from the darkness, crawling frantically toward the man. All its legs moving quickly in perfect harmony. You could hear the furious tapping sounds of all its legs hitting the dirt as it sprinted to get close to the man.  It came right to the edge of the light and pulled the man by his ankles and lifted him into to air grabbing his other leg with another one of its many appendages and pulled him apart.  The man screamed in terror for help. There was nothing we could do.  It happened so fast. You could hear the sound of flesh ripping. It sounded like paper being torn apart.  And where his legs came together at the groin, you could see stringy red flesh being pulled apart as his body ripped down the center.  As he screamed in horror, his shoulders separated and his head flopped and bobbed as it stayed connected to his right shoulder.  It was an explosion of blood and wet chunks of meat as red mist sprayed into the night air.  That dream never seems to go away. I can still see his face as he realized his body was ripping apart. His eyes will haunt me forever.

    I wiped the sleep from my eyes. The sun was just beginning to peek over the horizon with streaks of fire yellow and red dancing on its giant arcs like living flame moving like colossal giants made of fire. The rest of the sky was still a blue and pale purple with stars slowly fading into the backdrop of a red and orange day.

    There was barely a sound on the prairie. Barely anything moving except for the giant spider. It was still here. It had waited here the whole night. Staying just beyond the edge of the light. That was unusual. They never did that when I was out here with my dad. Usually as the sunlight began to stretch across the sky the spiders would scurry away back into their dens not wanting to endure the sting of the heat. But this one refused to leave. It seemed to have a tolerance for the heat.

    These spiders had become more and more resistant to the sunlight. Making it more dangerous to be out here.  But I needed the money.  Even if it had been decades since I had been back here. Things change fast in the galaxy.  My life fell apart just as fast. Faster than memory and nostalgia. Those things seem to never change in our minds. Just like my memory of you. No matter what I'm going through, you seem to always be in my thoughts. I hate it sometimes. I really need to think about my situation.  About this damn spider that refused to go back to its den.  I was going to hunt this one.  But I needed it to be asleep and with its guard down.  It was still early and the sun wasn’t high enough in the sky yet so there was still time for this stubborn spider to feel the sting of the light.

     I was going to need to keep my fire going if I was to outlast this thing. It surely wouldn't last long with more heat. It would have to leave. I just needed to get another fire grease ball from my pack so I could make the fire last a little longer. I guess I was going to have to get comfortable again because I wasn't going anywhere until this spider left.  The sky was not a full bright yellow and red yet. The day wasn’t in full swing but this spider was still pacing around the heat of my fire. I had moved the flame near my horse but my horse was starting to get uncomfortable with the heat being so near.  I started to worry that my horse was going to get impatient and panic. It was beginning to neigh and move around anxiously. It was ready to move but I knew we couldn't just yet. That spider could scurry with its many legs, just as fast as my horse could run and would catch us no problem. Even with my horse at full sprint.

     Finally, this giant spider had had enough of the sun and the heat and began to scurry away back toward its den. With all of its legs moving perfectly, one right after another in smooth motions it crawled away like a giant hand crawling across the ground.  I was thinking its den was somewhere beyond the large rocks to the north.  I was going to follow this massive creature and kill it and take its venom.  I was going to bring a large enough torch with me. I gathered some of the tinder I had been burning and used some of my grafting straps and scion glue to piece together a large make-shift torch. I attached it to the bottom of my saddle so I could hold it upright as I rode along.

    The flame was so red it made it hard to see, I could barely see where it ended and the sky began. I climbed atop of my horse and slowly made my way toward the northern rocks. The spider seemed to be staying just far enough ahead that it was no problem for me to follow.

    However, with the dwarf sun and the red flames, the heat was getting too much for the spider and it started to move more quickly. I needed to quicken my pace if I were stay up with it. That would prove to be a mistake. As my horse bounced more vigorously in its gallop I began to lose my grip on my torch and it finally fell and the flames hit at the hinds of my horse causing it to buck wildly. Throwing me off. I hit the pink dirt so hard it knocked the wind out of me. I panicked. Gasping for air as I tried to find my torch. I looked around wildly and it was still attached to my horse who was still bucking around aggressively.  I got up quickly and ran to my horse.  Calming it down.  Rubbing the side of its head and it slowly regained its composure. I looked toward the northern rocks and I didn’t see the spider anymore.  Damn it, I thought.  I lost it.  But it couldn’t have gotten too far.  I would just have to move more quickly toward the rocks and hopefully I would catch up with it.

    I hopped on my horse and started galloping towards the rocks. Scanning the prairie lands for any movement.  But I couldn’t see anything.  Damn, where did this thing go.  I moved my hand above my eyes, shielding them from the light of the sun.  I couldn’t find which direction it went until finally I saw some tracks.  I smiled, there you are, I said, and started my horse in that direction.

    I needed the money, I kept saying.  Hunting spiders was dangerous and hardly anyone did it anymore but I really needed the money. It was my only hope of getting my life together and maybe getting a second chance with Jessica.  I thought of her hair, her smile.  The way she looked when the graphite lights of the skyscrapers poured through our windows.  I could almost feel her again but that’s when the spider emerged from the ground.  It threw open a slab of dirt like a door leading to a basement cellar.  Half its body jumped out and grabbed my horse and as it dragged it back into its dirt cellar, I flew off my horse and hit the ground, dislocating my shoulder.  The pain was sharp and fast.  I couldn’t breathe.  I could only hear the wails of my horse as it was dragged underground.  It was doing something to it and I couldn’t see any of it.  I could only hear the sounds of my horse being preyed upon by a giant spider. 

    I got up and looked around and saw the torch lying on the ground.  I sprinted to get it but not before the giant spider lurched out again from underground and tripped me.  Curling the end of its spiny, leathery leg around my ankle, it started dragging me toward its underground den. I started flaying my arms around trying to grab something. Anything. There was nothing to grab. Then I started punching the spider's leg but it had no effect. I started screaming desperately for help but knew no one would hear me. No one came out into these plains unless you were hunting spiders. And there was no one left anymore. No one did that anymore.  I got reckless. I shouldn't have come out here. This was how it was going to end. I was going to die just like that prairie-hand I saw all those years ago that got ripped apart.

    I closed my eyes. Jessica, I thought, I wish I could see you one more time. I wish we didn't drift apart the way that we did. I wish so many things and now, here in the moment of my death I find myself thinking of only you. I'm so sorry. And just as quickly as the spider pulled him into the air, it tore him apart like paper.  Leaving an explosion of meat and blood crashing and flopping to the ground.  And the spider scurried back into its underground dirt den.  And it was silent on the prairie again.  Only the sounds of this land existed and nothing else.  Only a mist of red lingered in the air, shimmering in the sunlight.  That was all that was left of him. And after some time, all manner of creatures came out to where the pieces of his body lay and each dragged away their own piece of meat.  And there were no sounds of horror anymore.  No screams.  Just the sounds of heat and the prairie feasting.

Proper Sequence

He hadn't lived a perfect life.  He knew he had made mistakes.  Plenty of mistakes actually but did that make him a bad person.  Perhaps.  He wasn't afraid of the consequences of his actions when he was alive though.  They were all just things he could ignore from one day to another and anyone who had a problem with him could go fuck themselves.  That's what he thought.  That's how he thought when he was alive.  When he died he learned that things you choose to lie to yourself about are paid in full long after the mistakes were made.

     The room was silent as he blinked his eyes into awareness.  He had walked through a door that had appeared in front of him.  His eyes darted around the room from one rock gray wall to another.  Panic began to seep in to his being as his eyes finally found the demon standing at the far end of the room.  It was standing underneath a flaming brazier.  There were many hanging from the ceiling.  Each with their own fires burning.  There was also a large flaming pit next to a towering wall that stretched upwards so far it disappeared into darkness.  The fires allowed him to see details of the room.  The demon stared at him with black patient eyes allowing him to study the room and realize the nature of his reality.  That he was in Hell.  There was nothing else this could be.  The same way he knew that this thing that was staring at him with unmoving, pupil-less black eyes was a demon.  He knew it.  He understood that fact without being told. 

     He could see objects hanging on the smooth gray wall beside the demon.  The type of objects that cause pain and suffering.  The kind that you would not want to touch or even know.

"Come close," the demon said. And he did.  He walked from where he was towards where the demon was waiting.  The demon was thin and muscular and naked.  It had thick scars all across its body.  Like it had been lashed many times a long time ago.  Its skin was a gray, lifeless hue.  Its lips were thin.  It had no ears or nose.  When it spoke he felt dread in his soul.  And when it looked at him he felt less important than an insect.  He knew he held no dominion in this room. A deconstruction of his mind had already begun and he could feel himself peeling away.

"What is this place?" he asked hoping to delay the inevitable.  The demon made no reply as it walked toward the wall seemingly deciding which instrument of pain it would grab first.  "Who are you?" he asked and again the demon made no reply.  "What's going to happen?"

Without looking at the man the demon said, "You will be tortured."

"For how long?" he asked and the demon again made no reply.  It kept eyeing all the devices of torture hanging on the wall, slowly moving its leather gray head in very disciplined motions from one side to the other until finally it reached its long slender arm to a frayed whip made of many barbed wires.  

"And now," the demon said as it turned its entire body toward the man, "you will be whipped." Directing its dark glossy demon eyes at the man.  Demon eyes that had seen too much.  Been too far.  Knew too much.  Knew no pleasure. No joy or pity.  Carried no humanity.  There was nothing a mortal man would find in those eyes he would understand. 

     The demon took the frayed wired whip to the flames of the smoking fire pit and heated the tips.  It stared at the wires watching as they began to glow red and the glimmer of orange dead flame reflected in its infinite dark eyes.  There was no emotion. No hint of anything other than its duty and purpose.  There was no getting out of this.  The man knew he was in Hell.

     The demon pulled the wire whip from the flame as every tip glowed a hellish red.  The man pleaded in pathetic cries, "no, please, no, no."

And the demon simply rose his arm and swung down across his chest, tearing through his expensive clothes and ripping flesh from bone.  The man wailed in agony.  And the demon never changed its expression.  It just rose its arm and swung down on the man.  Over and over again.  

"In time," the demon said, "you will remember these moments as being the easiest."

And the man screamed as the demon covered every part of the man's body with thick red shreds.  And overtime, his flesh would grow back and the man would plead again, "Please! no more, please." And the demon just looked at the man and its gaze carried no pity.  No joy.  Just duty and purpose.

     There were exactly two thousand, six hundred and sixty four devices of torture upon the wall.  And in time he would experience each one of them.  Time was fluid here.  There was no beginning or end.  No single moment the same as the next.  Only experience.  And the man would experience every lashing, every flaying and flogging.  Every bit of skin and meat torn away.  He would feel every inch of his being in its purest and rawest form and he would know pain.  But to the man's horror, the demon said, "this is only the beginning."

     He was boiled and beaten.  He was seared and carefully skinned.  He had his flesh melted and his eyes gouged out.  Had his innards splayed and opened.  Bones broken and twisted.  And it all kept growing back as the demon worked through every device on the wall. And finally as the demon cleaned and returned the final device on the wall, through dry and cracked lips, the man gasped, "is it over?"

"No," the demon replied, "now, the true pain begins." And it did.

     All his regrets. All his choices he made.  Every lie and selfish decision.  Every hurt he caused to himself and to others.  Each one was pulled out of him.  Every detail.  Every emotion.  Slowly and purposefully extracted for him to face and the demon stripped  away all the ways he hid from them.  Filled him full of memory.  Stripped away everything down to only truth.  And it was more painful than anything that came before.

"Tell me what you thought as your father lay dying," said the demon.

"I thought I was losing someone important to me."

"No," the demon said without emotion, "you did not." It stared at him with its demon's eyes of infinite black as the man cried.

"I thought, I'm glad you're finally gone.  I never wanted to take care of you. I just wanted your inheritance. Your money."

"Yes," the demon said.  It took apart his life moment by moment.  Lie by lie.  Every choice.  And every time the man would lie or tried to hide the truth, the demon would know and without hesitation would again grab one of the torture devices on the wall and would strip away part of the man that was still trying hide from himself.

"Tell me what you told your mother?" said the demon.

"I told her that she was a horrible mother."

"What did you really mean to say," the demon said as he grabbed another device and began flogging the man with an iron rod.

"I wanted to tell her," he said as he took a thrash across his face, "how I wish she had died when she had got cancer," the man screamed.

"Yes," the demon replied.

"I wanted nothing to do with my parents.  I hated them!!" the man screamed in agony as the demon rose his arm and again swung down across his face breaking teeth and ripping flesh.

"Tell me why you hated them," the demon said.

"I didn't have a reason. I just hated that they had money and I didn't. I wanted it.  I hated how they treated me growing up.  I wanted them to love me like my brother. I hated that they loved everyone else except for me.  I saw their deaths as a way for me to live," the man cried pathetically. 

And the demon cleaned the iron rod as he forced another confession out of him, wiping away blood and flesh and hair.

     They had all the time there ever was in that room.  They would examine his whole life.  It lasted a hundred years or perhaps a thousand.  And the man realized the demon was right.  The physical torture was easier.  

"Tell me what you thought when your wife left you," said the demon in a flat, emotionless tone.

"I thought, now she'll never know that I was fucking her sister. I was glad she was leaving so that I wouldn't have to face the lie."

"Yes," the demon said with an unmoving stare.

"Because  when her sister died," the man continued, "in a car accident, I was relieved. I was sad, yes, but mostly relieved that my lie would never be found out. I didn't care that these people were out of my life. I just found new people.  I didn't care."

     He could barely look up at the demon. He felt so much shame. So much embarrassment even in front of this demon.  He went through every moment like that. It took however long was needed to go through his life. And finally, they reached the end. And once finished the demon said, "Again," and the man pleaded "no, please," and the demon went to the wall and grabbed the skinning knife and began flaying his skin. And the man began again from the beginning.  

     But there was a self-knowledge he had that was not there when they first began. It made everything worse. He hated himself now.  Every word he said he despised. There were no more lies.  No hiding. Nothing except the pain and hatred.  And when he finished the demon said, "Again."

The man cried and screamed. For another hundred or a thousand years passed.  He prayed the demon would just torture him with lashes or boil his skin or break his bones open.  He did not want to do this anymore.

"Again," the demon said and the man started again. And again. And again.

He no longer wept when he spoke.  He was broken.  He went through his life and every layer of his mind peeled back like an onion.  He learned the consequences of his life.  He learned the outcomes of his choices.  Realized the truth of the things he had done.  Things he could no longer ignore. All the damage and hurt he had caused that he had never known was fully realized in him now.  He could no longer hide from it all.  It was more painful than anything that had come before and still it went beyond painful.  He had to learn this.  It was his lesson to realize.  It was the truth he needed to confront.

"Again," the demon said.

He fell into madness and crouched into the corner as he began again to recount every moment of his life.  Re-experiencing every moment of it.  Carrying with every word, infinite shame.  From birth to death.  Every single thing.  Leaving nothing out.  Only the horrible truth remained.  He opened his soul to it.  Accepted it into his heart.  And when he finished with closed eyes, he waited for the voice to say Again but nothing was said.  He opened his eyes and stood up slowly.  He was alone.

     And at the far end of the room, there was a door and he watched with dark unmoving, emotionless eyes as it opened. And a man walked through.  There was terror on the man's face and in his heart.  He could tell.  He knew.  There was arrogance and pride and greed in this man.  The man slowly walked into the room and found the dark, emotionless eyes staring back at him from underneath the flaming brazier and smoking pit.

He watched the man catch his dark unmoving gaze and he understood now.

"Come close," he said to the new arrival.

And the man did. "What is this place?" the man said.

And he made no reply.

He Knew It Had To Be Done

He couldn’t concentrate on the road.  It was usually a relaxing thing for him to do; to drive at night but tonight driving on a dark stretch of road was not the therapy he needed, it only let him think about things he would rather not. But he knew he needed to do this.  He had no choice.  His thoughts were coming fast.  Something about the vague moving darkness that existed outside the cones of yellow light streaming from his headlights allowed his mind to wander rapidly.  All he wanted to see in those tiny spaces of dark ambient thought was her face.  He couldn’t get his mind away from her.  It wasn’t fair he thought.  Why did it have to be this way?  She was gone and nothing would change that.  Lonely thoughts began to fill his head and he started thinking again about the first time they met.

“Hi,” she said with a bright smile.  

He looked up from the concession stand he was working at.  He usually worked the concession at the high school basketball games.  It wasn’t the most glamorous job but at least it was something to do. 
“Hi, what are you looking to get?”  he asked as he took a quick glance at her and her cuteness immediately was overwhelming.  He tried looking somewhere else to keep from staring. He noticed she was with a group of people for the game.
“Can I get umm...a large coke and some popcorn?” she said with a bounce in her step.
“Sure, anything else?” he replied.
“Nope, I think that’s it.”
“Alright,”  he said tapping his hand on the counter as he turned to get her coke and popcorn.  The whole time he was moving behind the concession stand, he was thinking about how really cute she was and was trying to think of something to say that was smooth and flirtatious to her.  He looked over his shoulder a few times to glance at her. Trying to build his courage. She was standing there going through her phone.  She had short brown hair, pale skin and beautiful big brown eyes.  She was fit and had a slim tiny frame of a body.  Her smile was the most radiating thing.  It was large and welcoming, the type of smile you wish you could come home to when you had a bad day.

“Aren’t you in biology with me?” she asked as she put her phone away in her purse.
“Uh, yeah.  Mr. Peters’ class.  I sit like two rows behind you,” he said filling the coke cup with ice.
“Yeah.  I thought you looked familiar.  I don’t think I know your name.”
“Joe,” he said as he placed the coke in front of her. Placing a lid on top and setting down a straw to the side.
“Emily," she replied.
“You’re new here right?”
“Yeah, just moved here about 3 months back. Trying to meet new people," she said smiling her huge smile.
“Hurry up Emily!” someone shouted from behind her.
He leaned and looked over her shoulder and saw the group of people she was with.
She turned and yelled, “shut up Corey or you wont get any popcorn!”
“Seems like you got plenty of friends already,” he said.
“Oh yeah, those are mostly my cousins and their friends.  I have a lot of family here.  One of the reasons my parents decided to move here.”
“That’s nice. Probably makes the move here easier then, huh.”  He said as he grabbed an empty popcorn bag and began scooping and filling it.
“Yeah, for the most part.  I still miss my friends though...you know...and..." she said taking a pause before continuing, "...moving sucks.  I still have most all my things in boxes.  Lazy right,” she said smiling at him.
“Nah, not lazy.  Just organizationally deficient.”  

She let out the tiniest giggle behind her smile as she looked down. 

“And moving to a new school does suck,” he continued.  “I did it a few times with my mom when I was younger and it made it hard for me to make friends.  But I’ve been here now for the past 4 years and I like it.”
“How about the concessions?  Is this fun?”
“Well, not always because its work but I get paid by Mr. Ruiz so that’s nice and I get to see the games.  Buuutttt...we suck though.”
She giggled again while flashing that bright beautiful smile that he was beginning to become entranced by seeing.  He just wanted to keep making her smile.  This was the first time he had ever talked to her and he didn't want to stop.
“Well, I’m not much into sports," she said, "but I think I can get into coming to the games.  Its pretty fun doing the cheers in the stands and stuff. And hey, I get to meet new people like you.”
“Yeah it is fun,” he replied as he continued to scoop popcorn into the bag.
“Good company and the best concession stands right,” she said in a joking kind of way.
He smirked and she looked at him with a confused smile and asked, “What, is that not the case? You don't think this is the best concession stand.”
“Maybe good concessions but definitely not good food.  I mean look at these hot dogs. Would you eat that?”
She laughed, “ok, maybe you’re right.  They do look like the skin of the real housewives of Hollywood  or something,” he laughed at the image of old scabby tanned women with leathery cracked skin.
“But at least you got raisinets,” she said.
“That we do,”  he replied as he placed the bag of popcorn down.
“So, its all gonna be $8.50.”
“Oh shoot, I forgot my money.  I guess I’m not paying,” she said playfully.
“Are you just gonna walk off with it now.”
“Maybe I am.  Aren’t my good looks at least enough to convince you to let me have the coke.”
“Heck no,” he said.
She gasped in fake disgust, “are you saying I’m ugly?”
“Nah.  I would never say that.  For your good looks I would let you have the coke, the popcorn and a day old wiener...at least.”
She started laughing showing off that gorgeous smile of hers.
“Well, don’t worry.  I won’t make you give me these and you can keep your day old wiener.  My dad gave me some money to buy snacks.  So it's all good,” she reached into her pocket and handed him a ten.  “Oh and don’t tell my dad but you can keep the change.”
He smiled and right before she turned to leave he stopped her for a moment and said, 

“Hey Emily…”
“Yea,” she replied.
“Don’t tell Mr. Ruiz then,” and he handed her a box of raisinets.  She gave him that big smile that he liked so much by now.

A sharp coldness on his cheek refocused him on the road.  He didn’t notice his eyes were tearing up until one streaked down his cheek.  The road seemed to last forever.  He had a 2 hour drive in front of him still.  His mind was a mess but focusing on those few sweet memories helped him concentrate. The road had been a long depressing straight line but he knew he was coming up to a stretch of twist and turns with the road winding up the mountain side.  He always got nervous driving through the mountains.  He found comfort in the memories he had with her even though it brought with it so much pain.  He wouldn’t forget her.  He loved her.  He knew that much.  Even if she rejected him.

They were at the carnival with friends and the two of them went on the Ferris wheel alone.  He saw this as the perfect opportunity to ask her something he’d been meaning to ask for a few weeks now.
“Emily, can I ask you something?” he said in a nervous tone and before she could answer he asked, “do you like me?”  He had finally built up enough courage to ask even if it had taken weeks of constant will.  She looked at him with endearing eyes and replied, “Yea I like you Joe but not in the way I think you mean.  Maybe one day but right now I’m not looking for a boyfriend.”

He felt the sting of rejection crawl up his spine.  At that moment he wished he could jump out of the moving Ferris wheel and just disappear.  

“Why not?” he asked.
“I dunno,” she said looking down fumbling with her nails.  “I guess I'm just not ready to make that kind of commitment to anyone...you know.”
He understood.  He had to. He didn’t blame her for not wanting to.  He took a risk and came out on the short side of it.  If anything he came out of that rejection with more of a protective heart for her.

The blinding flash of an oncoming car took him out of his trance-like state of thoughts and memories.  He had loved her, he knew that much but she had lied to him.  She did commit to a boyfriend and his name was Todd.  He was the reason why she was gone now, why she was dead.  But he would make sure he would do what needed to be done.  He would make Todd pay.  He didn’t like thinking about fucking Todd, it just filled him with anger and hatred.  He preferred to think about her beautiful face but it was painful.  He missed her so much.  He reached into the back for a beer and accidentally brushed against a hand.  He jerked away forgetting it was there and grabbed the beer.  He cracked it open and took a swig.  After taking a gulp of lukewarm beer he looked into the backseat to a passed out man he had tied and gagged.  

“We’re almost there Todd,” he said. The anticipation building under his skin.  He was full of purpose and will.  There was a part of him that didn’t want to do this but there was something else in his head pushing him.  His devotion for her made him unwilling to abandon his endeavor.  This was going to happen.

He finally arrived at the turnoff. It was an old dirt road that continued into the woods of the mountain.  The road was only wide enough to fit one car.  At the end of it lay an old wooden cabin.  He pulled up and turned the car off leaving the lights shining on the front door. He got out of the car and opened the rear door and began dragging Todd into the cabin.  He pulled him by the ankles banging his body on the steps as he walked up to the front door.  Todd began to wake up.  He had a bloody welt on the back of his head from where Joe had hit him.  Joe took off the gag.  Groggy and hazy he began mumbling, “yerrr, heyyy, wwwhattss gooing on, hey!  Help!  What is this!  What’s happening?!”
“You’re facing your reckoning Todd.”
“What are you talking about?  Who are you?” he asked looking up at Joe.  “Is that you Joe?  Let me go, what are you doing?”
“It’s too late Todd, nothing can stop this.”
“Stop what?! What’s happening?” he began to writhe around like a worm with his bindings, fighting for any ounce of freedom but he was tied too securely.
Joe opened the front door to the cabin and dragged Todd across the floor into the middle of an empty living room.  “This is my uncle’s old cabin.  No one comes up here anymore, so it’ll be just us two and the creatures of the woods."
Todd’s face began to curl in fear as the gravity of the horrific situation began to set in.  This was real and Joe had a terrifying determined will permeating from his eyes.  It sent desperate chills of fear throughout Todd’s body.
“Why am I here Joe?”
“Because of Emily!!” he shouted as he opened a closet door and pulled out an old axe and a cleaver.  He began inspecting the cleaver with surgeon like care.  “My uncle, back when he still used this place, used to hunt for all his food.  You know, like how the pioneers did.  And you needed big burly knives like this one to chop up some of those thicker pieces of meat.  He left a few knives behind.  Good thing, huh," he said smiling.  "But there were times when he was chopping up meat that he would tell me stories of these creatures that lived here in the woods.  Ancient type of creatures that have lived here longer than humans. He said they existed somewhere on the veil of this dimension and the next one.  So we can't always see them.  But something about these woods, this place, this area, there's a doorway where they come and go.  He told me that he would talk to them.  Not in any kind of language but kind of like in thoughts and images," he said as he walked to the window looking out as if looking for something.  "He told me to never talk to them if I ever encountered them. But I did talk to them Todd.  And they showed me things.  These creatures are mystical.  Other worldly.  Beyond right and wrong.  They know things and we have to listen. That's why we are here, right now Todd.  Do you understand." 
“Joe, I don’t know what you’re planning to do but put the knife away, okay buddy, put it away.”
“And my uncle,” he said completely ignoring Todd, “also taught me how to cut up our game.  How to give those big swings to split the meat in one swipe,” he continued as he acted out the downward motion with the cleaver. "I would watch as he cut the meat.  That's when he would tell me these stories Todd.  Of these creatures.  He told me once that he caught my Aunt Barbara cheating on him.  Can you believe that Todd?  I thought she was a good woman," he said as he wiped sweat from his brow still looking out the window.  "He said he found out because he saw her phone messages.  And so devastated, he came out here to the cabin.  And that's when he saw them. The creatures.  They talked to him.  Showed him things.  Showed him what he needed to do. He didn't tell her for what reason, he just brought her out here..."

“Joe goddamnit!  Listen to me!  You don’t have to do this.”
“Yes I do!”  he growled, “you’re the reason Emily is dead.  You! No one else.  You Todd! YOU!!”
“What the fuck Joe?!!” Todd said looking up at him in utter confusion, “Emily’s not dead Joe! She’s alive!  What are you talking about?!!”
“She’s dead and you’re gonna pay Todd.”
“She’s not DEAD Joe!” he said in horrific desperation.
“Shut up Todd!”
“Joe, listen to me.  Emily is alive.  She just went away for the weekend but she’ll be back. I promise you she’s still alive.”
“Aren’t you curious to why she hasn’t called you or texted or anything Todd? No probably not because you aren't thoughtful like that.  You don't care about her,” Joe said as he walked across the room.
“Probably forgot to or her phone is dead, bad reception or any number of other reasons Joe.”
“I wondered Todd,” he said as he picked up the axe, “I wondered why she stopped talking to me.  I was her best friend and maybe even one day I could have been her boyfriend but then I found out why she stopped.  It was because of you Todd.  You took her away from me and I was cast aside.  And now you’re gonna pay.  She died because of you.  She didn't have to. I didn’t want to do it but when I became nothing in her life I had nothing left to lose. She was my everything.  The creatures showed me what I needed to do.  They showed me things.  Convinced me of things. I knew then what I had to do,” he said laying the axe onto his shoulder.
“Joe, oh my god! You didn’t…”
“You’re the reason her life ended.  If she had never met you she would still be here.”
“Joe please…don’t…Don’t please,” desperately letting out his last plea as he began crying uncontrollable tears in between every word he was saying.
Joe went into the empty kitchen and began dragging a black garbage bag across the floor. “Look Todd,” he said as he opened the bag revealing her face surrounded by her body parts.  Her feet crudely chopped at the ankle lay by her cheeks and her hands lay splayed across her forehead unnaturally.  Emily’s brown eyes were still open, looking straight ahead at Todd.
“Oh My God!  No! Why Joe! Why!!”
“Because I loved her you goddamn fool!” he yelled as he approached Todd with the axe in hand.  “See this axe," he said calming himself down.  "I did most of the work with this,” he said reopening the front door of the cabin.  “The creatures love the smell of bloody flesh. They crave it.  They'll be here soon.  They've been smelling her all day Todd.”
“Don’t kill me Joe…please don’t,” he said in a mess of drooling words.
“Oh don’t worry Todd,” he replied placing the gag back into Todd’s mouth.  “I’m not gonna kill you,” he said as he pulled out a revolver from his back pocket.  “I’m letting you live with this,” he said as he put the gun to his own temple, "the creatures are going to finish you for me," and pulled the trigger.