The Sudden Silence

"The Sudden Silence"

He sat in his favorite spot like he normally did outside the restaurant.  He liked to people watch.  He would order old Tennessee whiskey on the rocks and a plate of french fries.  And he would sit outside and watch the people as they passed by, casually sipping his drink and picking at his fries.  He liked the smooth caramelly burn of the whiskey in his throat under a warm sun.  An earthy, cedar like taste that filled his nostrils as he sipped.

     He would take at least three or four sips before he did his first jump.  He would look around and find anyone that looked interesting for him to jump inside their minds.  Today, he wanted to start with something simple.  He saw a child, probably five years old walking with his mom.  Let's start there today, he thought.  He stared at the child for a moment before he felt a click inside his mind.  Something in his mind would lock on with the other person, like a key entering a keyhole.  He didn't know exactly how it worked but it had become second nature for him to do.  Almost like breathing.  He would just concentrate and his mind would connect to the other person's mind.  

     He jumped inside the child's head and could hear all the thoughts the child was thinking in that moment.  Look at the flowers, oh wow, those are nice.  I should tell my mom. Mom, mom, look, mom.  He could hear the child's inner thoughts as he watched him from where he was sitting.  It wasn't mind control.  He couldn't make the person do anything.  And he couldn't communicate with them in this state either.  The only thing he could do was listen.  As long as he could see them, he could hear their inner thoughts.  Whatever they were thinking in that moment.  He had never seen memories or past thoughts. Nothing like that.  Just their inner voice. 

     When he first discovered he could do this, it was terrifying.  He thought he was losing his mind.  Hearing thoughts that weren't his made him feel like he had lost his grip on reality.  The first time it ever happened, he had accidentally done it to his mother.  He was fourteen at the time.  He was angry with her.  She had just told him he couldn't go hangout with his friends until his chores were done.  They argued and he ended up just staring at her angrily.  That's when his mind clicked with hers and out of nowhere he could hear the voice of his mother inside his head.  Even as she just stood there silently he could hear, Ugh, I hate when you look at me like that.  Bratty kid.  Just do what I'm telling you and you can go hangout with your friends.

"What did you say?" he asked his mom.

She looked at him confused, "I didn't say anything."

"I heard you, what were you saying," he said growing frustrated because he knew he had heard her voice.  Why was she lying to him.

"Jacob, I didn't say anything..." What is this now, is he trying to annoy me on purpose. Just go do your chores...sometimes I swear, he's such a handful. 

He could hear both of her words at the same time.  It was a jumbled mess.  It took years for him to figure out what was happening.  But it was terrifying at the beginning.  He thought the demons he read about in the bible or saw in movies were real and they had found him.  Like he couldn't control his own thoughts.  Then he finally realized that was because the voices he was hearing were other people's thoughts.  That took many, many years to figure out.  And it took just as many to figure out how to control this ability naturally.  It seemed pretty useless for a time.  Most of the time, he didn't want to hear other people's thoughts.  Most people were just selfish assholes that complained about others constantly and thought about things they wished they could say out loud but never do.  He realized later that he could use the information he heard to smooth talk his way into getting things or getting out of things.  Like one time, how he had gotten out of a parking ticket.  

     He had stayed inside the restaurant for too long and forgot about the parking meter.  As he came back to his car, the meter maid had just started writing the ticket.  Usually once they get their pen out, that's it, there is no getting out of the ticket.  But he had an advantage.  He could hear what she was thinking.  He walked up casually and jumped into her head.  She was attractive.  She had a small, tight frame and long, silky hair.  Gorgeous face but she looked like she had a long day.  He could here her thinking this sign is mostly covered, I could just give them a warning.

He would start there.  He then asks her, "oh no, can you please just give me a warning this time?"

"No, I don't think so," she said but thinking at the same time, you are cute, hmm, maybe if you had told me you couldn't see the 2 hour parking limit sign, then just maybe.

"I couldn't see the parking sign," he then said immediately.

She continued to think to herself, I'm usually never patrolling this area anyway, she thought, and it is covered.  If they contest it, the judge is just going to throw the ticket out. But, I just finished writing the date though...I don't know.

"Look, I just started writing..." she began before he interjected.

"I bet it's only the date though," he replied in a quick smooth manner as he flashed her a friendly smile.

Her minded drifted for moment to his looks. She thought, he is kinda cute.  Too bad I'm working.  It's been a hell of a day and could go for a drink.  I'm almost off too.  And I just got these earrings and could use a drink.  Too bad.

"Those are lovely earrings," he said.

"Oh," she said a bit surprised, "Thank you," she replied as she lifted her hand away from the blank ticket pad and gently touched her earrings.  

It was working.  He just had to keep smooth talking her.  It was fun for him.

"They look gorgeous," he said. "They look very well taken care of," he said trying to steer the conversation away from the ticket.

"Yeah, well, I just got these, actually" she said smiling.

"Well, they are beautiful," he said know full well she had just gotten those.  He had been listening to her thoughts after all. "You have good taste," he continued.  "Sounds like they need to be taken out for a drink then.  Listen, why not let me save the money I was going to have to spend on this ticket and let me spend it on you instead?  What time are you off?"

Wow, he's a smooth talker, she thought to herself.  Any other day she would have said no but today had been hell for her and there was nothing wrong with having a drink with someone, she thought.

"I bet today has been a long day for you," he said, "let me treat you."

Damnit, she thought.  What the hell.  "Okay, why not.  I'm off in thirty minutes.  How about you leave your car parked here and I won't give you a ticket.  And I'll meet you here in about thirty five minutes."

"Sounds perfect," he said giving her that smooth smile she already liked so much.

     Later that night, they both had a few drinks and talked and he knew the exact perfect response for almost everything she said.  It was easy when he could hear what she was thinking. They went back to her place.  Took off each other's clothes as they stumbled through her front door, kissing and rubbing and groping each other.  They had sex that night.  It was the best sex she ever had.  Because he could hear exactly what she wanted at any given moment.  He could hear what she liked and didn't like.  And then, he left in the morning.

*****

     Knowing people's thoughts made it easy to have one night stands like that.  It also made having conversations really easy.  He knew how to connect with people so they liked you.  He could even manipulate people if he wanted to.  If you got good enough at reading their social cues, their anxieties and intentions, combined with listening to their inner thoughts, you could manipulate anyone. But he didn't like to do that to anyone though. Even if he liked to try to smooth talk. Most people are already being manipulated by someone in their life.  He didn't need to another person doing that to them.  Plus, he wasn't trying to change anyone's life.  He just liked to jump in and out of people's minds quickly.  Keep it simple and leave it at that, he thought.  That was his rule.  However, he did intervene into a child's life once.  Breaking his rule.

     He had just randomly jumped into a nine year old girl's mind one day, that was walking with her mother.  He was just people watching like he normally did and she had looked unnaturally sad.  Too sad for a normal nine year old.  It made him curious.  He clicked his mind and jumped into the little girl's thoughts.  It wasn't obvious at first to hear any kind of reason for why she was so distraught because he was only listening to her thoughts that she was thinking right at that moment.  It was just normal, random nine year old kid stuff.  I want ice cream.  I want mommy to buy me a toy.  Things like that.  But then he saw it.  Her father had returned from wherever he was and joined the mother and daughter.

Oh no.  Daddy's back. I don't like how he looks at me when we're outside.  I don't want people to know that he touches me down there.  Mommy would be mad at me if she found out.  No one would believe me, that's what Daddy says.  I wish he wouldn't look at me when we're outside.

     He was horrified when he heard.  He saw the silent sadness of this girl's face and it sank his heart into the deepest depths of grief and anger.  Knowing what was happening to this little girl made his entire soul catch on fire.  He didn't know what to do.  He didn't know how to help this little girl but he couldn't just ignore it and walk away.  He had to do something. He desperately tried thinking of something but nothing came to mind.  So he instead he went over to the three of them and walked behind them for a few minutes.  He clicked his mind and jumped into the father's mind.

Now where are we going? I'm tired of being out.  She never makes up her fucking mind.  Where is this old run down hag taking me now.  I can get better than her.  I can get younger too.  Can't she just buy her fucking shoes or whatever already and be done.  

     Jacob's blood boiled.  This guy wasn't saying anything he could use to help this little girl.  All he knew was that he really hated his wife.  He listened for a few more minutes.  Fuck, this day has been only about her, her, her. I'm stressed out and tired.  I think I'm going to need my little stress reliever tonight, he thought to himself.  The father then looked at the little girl and smirked.  Anger began overwhelming Jacob's entire body.  He couldn't let this disgusting piece of shit go without getting something that would help him help this little girl.  But there was nothing.  He felt helpless.  What could he do?  So he just blurted out "Hey, don't I know you?"

The father turned around looking at him confused, "You talking to me?" he replied.

"Yeah.  Don't I know you?" Jacob continued.

"No bud, I don't think we know each other,"  What's this guy's problem.

"Aren't you Hank from over on Dearborn street?" he said hoping he would reveal his name to him.

"No man, I'm not Hank from over on Dearborn street," This guy needs to get the fuck out of my face or else.  

"Or else what," Jacob said.

"What did you say?" he said confused.

"Fuck!.....oh shit, I'm sorry," Jacob said as he covered his mouth.  "You probably don't like swearing in front of her," he said gesturing to the little girl.

The mother then replied, "it's okay.  Come on Harry, let's go.  Here Holly, grab my hand."

"Harry! That's right.  Harry.  Now I remember."

"Yeah, let's go," Harry said.

"I'll be seeing you soon Harry.  You ladies have a great day."

What the fuck was that about.  Too bad I was with the girls or else I would have fucked him up, Harry thought.

"Sure you would have Harry.  Sure you would," Jacob replied so that he could hear him.  Harry just stared back at him in confusion.

     After the family had left the area, he followed them to their home.  He wanted to know where this Harry fuck lived.  He had to do something.  He had no evidence that would help this little girl and the police weren't going to just take his word for it.  He knew they weren't going to do anything.  He could call CPS but that could take a long time and he had no relationship with the family.  They would ask more questions about him than about them.  He had to think of something. Don't worry Holly, I'm going to help you, he told himself. I'm not going to let him hurt you.

     He then left and returned to the house as the sun was going down.  He had come up with a plan and needed the cover of darkness.  He had gotten a few things when he left and made a few phone calls.  He had given the address and full name of Harry to a small organization that hunts and catches predators like him.  They could hunt him after he was done with his plan tonight.  They could keep a watch for him.  Maybe even get him to go to prison.

     He waited in his car to get dark.  He watched the house but because all the windows had the curtains closed and he could see no one, he couldn't mind jump.  It was a two story house with the type of windows that you lifted to open.  They had a side wooden fence that led to the backyard.  That's where he would enter, he thought.  He grabbed the black ski mask he bought earlier and grabbed a crowbar and a pair of brass knuckles.  The brass knuckles were illegal in this state but his friend had got him a pair for his birthday.  But that's another story.

     He got out of his car and quickly made his way across the dark street toward the house.  He then hopped over the fence and looked at all the windows on the side.  He was going to have to break one of them.  He searched for the perfect one to break as he hid in the shadows.  He crept around the house being very careful to stay in the shadows.  He was dressed in all black.  The family it seemed, had all went to bed already.  He just needed a perfect way to get in.  And just then, Harry walked outside through the back sliding door.  He didn't notice Jacob.  He couldn't.  He was completely hidden within the shadows just beyond the edge of the light.  

     Harry was having a cigarette.  He pulled out a pack, slid one out and lit it.  He inhaled deep before tilting his head back and exhaled toward the sky.  I should take him now, Jacob thought but stopped himself.  He was going to wait until he turned to go back inside.  He didn't want to do it outside.  What if the neighbors heard.  He was going to get him as he finished his cigarette and walked back inside.  As he waited, he jumped inside his mind.  He wanted to hear this fucker's thoughts.  He stared at him with anger in his eyes and his mind clicked.  He was inside this man's head.

Fuck, what a day, he thought.  I need some release.  I'll make a drink first and then wake up Holly.  Yeah.  That's a good idea.  Janet is already dead asleep.  She won't hear anything.  She never does.  I'm usually really quiet.  And Holly doesn't make a sound.  She's a good girl.  Daddy's little good girl.

      Jacob could feel his anger building inside him like a raging fire.  He could barely control the rage.  He could feel his fists tightening until his knuckles were white.  Harry took his last drag of his cigarette and threw it on the ground and stepped on it.  And just as he turned and opened the sliding door, Jacob came up from behind him and hit the back of his head with the crowbar.  Harry collapsed to the ground spraying blood across the kitchen counter and ripping out tufts of hair.  Harry fell face first to the ground and slowly turned over to see his attacker.

"What the fuck?" he said in a groggy voice.

"Shut the fuck up!" Jacob shouted.

"What's going on?" Harry said in a scared voice.

"I said shut up!" Jacob said screaming again.

"I have money.  You want money.  I have it.  Take it," he said as he started crying pathetically.  He looked like a scared little rich boy thinking he could buy his way out of this.  Fuck this man Jacob thought. 

"No Harry, I don't want your fucking money."

"Take anything. Just don't hurt me," he said as he slobbered over himself as he cried.

The pathetic way he was crying and pleading and begging just made Jacob angrier.  He wanted to beat this man to death.  What a weak, pathetic person, Jacob thought.

"Don't hurt you?" Jacob asked, "You want Me, not to hurt You?" Jacob continued in a tone of disbelief.  "And what about Holly? Who's going to keep her safe from you?" and as Jacob said that the mother came down the stairs.

"What's going on? Harry, what is this? Who are you?" she said in a panicked tone.

"Don't worry about me," Jacob said raising the crowbar toward her.  "Did you know what he was doing to Holly?"

"What?" she replied in confusion.

"What. He." Jacob repeated moving the crowbar back and pointing it at Harry.  "Was doing. To. Holly?"

"I don't know what you are talking about," she said as she started crying.  "What was he doing to her?  What do you want from us?"

Jacob then clicked on his mind and jumped into hers.  She was running wild with so many questions and genuine confusion.  She really didn't know what Harry was doing to Holly.  He jumped out and told her, "I'm here because this piece of shit has been molesting your daughter Holly.  And I wasn't going to let that happen anymore.  Don't ask me how I know.  I just know.  And he's not going to get away with it anymore," he said refocusing his attention to Harry.

"I have never done anything to Holly," Harry cried out with his arms outstretched trying to beg.  Jacob just looked at him and calmly pulled out his brass knuckles.  He slid them over his fingers all the way to the knuckles.  Harry saw him put them on and began to sob like a baby, begging for Jacob to listen to him.

"Oh God! Please! No! Please! Please sir.  I'll do anything."

And Jacob just calmly grabbed him by his shirt collar and began punching his face.  He swung down hard as the brass knuckles connected to Harry's face.  Breaking teeth.  Ripping flesh from his cheeks.  Jaw bones splitting apart.  Harry's face was barely recognizable once Jacob was done.

"You're never going to touch Holly or anyone else ever again.  You HEAR ME!! SAY IT!!" Jacob screamed.

Harry could barely see through his swollen eyes.  Waves of blood ran down over his face and open flesh hung loosely.  His mouth was spilt open. His lips could barely move as normal lips.  He mumbled out what sounded like I will ever touch her again.

And then Jacob continued, "Or I'll be back Harry.  And I won't be nice like this time.  I will hurt you worse," he said as he pulled off Harry's pants and underwear.  "But before I'm done here," he continued as he pulled out a large rubber band.  He then grabbed Harry's testicles the way you would grab a dog's or a pig's to neuter them.  He twisted them inside his fist and wrapped the rubber band around Harry's balls.  "Tonight, you gotta pay Harry, you gotta pay with your balls," he said as he quickly sliced off both of Harry's testicles.  Letting them fall to the floor in a wet flop.  Harry screamed in agony. "Next time you pay with your dick, you hear me, you fucking piece of shit." He then looked up at the mother and said, "Watch your girl."  And just like that left out the back and they never saw him again. 

*****

     That was years ago and today, he just wanted to people watch.  Simple things.  He still checks in on children to make sure nothing bad is happening from time to time but admittedly, that event with Holly had changed him.  He had felt things about himself he never felt before.  Things he came to know that he never knew he was capable of and deep down, he liked it.  He liked unleashing pent up anger he felt from a world that he couldn't relate to anymore.  People were ugly, selfish creatures that were capable  of horrible, awful things even if the intentions were good.  After all, his intentions were good.  But what he did to that man, even if he deserved it, was raw, unfiltered awful anger that could be manipulated toward anything.  Someone could use what he felt for their own advantage.  Those types of emotions never benefit anyone in the end.  He had crossed a line and he knew it.

     Ever since that day, he had decided to never intervene in other people's lives again.  It was a hard choice but deep down, he felt it was the right one.  He just sips his whiskey and eats his french fries now.  A habit he has grown to do that he quite enjoys.  But he is nothing if not curious.  And today there is a man standing on the sidewalk completely still with a blank look on his face.  A look that almost appeared dead.  People passing him just ignored him because when you see someone like that you usually don't try to interact with them.  Don't want to get pulled into something you don't want to be a part of.  Maybe he was a drug addict.  Maybe he was sick.  Who knows, he thought.  He took a sip of whiskey and let the smokey burn into his nostrils and let the curiosity overtake him before concentrating.  He let his mind click and he jumped into the man's mind.  

     It was blank.  Not a single thought.  It sounded like how the world sounds when you're underwater.  Just a muffled, watery sound.  No words.  No ideas.  No intents or emotions.  He couldn't hear a thing.  He had never encountered that.  This was new to him.  There was something wrong with this man.  He searched deeper into this man.  Searching for anything, a whisper, a thought.  But he seemed to be absolutely empty.  Just a vast, infinite soundscape of nothingness.  Any thoughts this man had were so far into the void that there was nothing left of him here on this plane of reality.

      Then suddenly, the man's head started moving from side to side as if he was looking for something.  Or someone.  He kept searching until finally his head turned toward Jacob.  This man's eyes found him and stared at Jacob sitting across the way with his whiskey and fries.  Jacob made eye contact with the man.  He couldn't believe it.  Why was he looking at him, he thought.  Could he somehow feel Jacob inside his head? What was going on? This also had never happened to him before.  It was strange.  He started to feel panic and decided it was time to leave this man's mind.  But there was something wrong.  He couldn't.  He pulled but his mind wouldn't let go.  He pulled again but it felt stuck.  Like how it feels when you go fishing and your fishing line gets stuck under some rocks.  He couldn't come back.  He couldn't separate.  Then he heard it.  A voice.

"We see you Jacob."

His eyes widened with fear.  The man was now staring at him with bulging, hungry eyes and a malevolent smile.

"We can hear your thoughts Jacob.  They betray you.  They have already given us all we need to know."

Jacob tried desperately to silence his mind.  He didn't know what was happening but he knew that he was in a dangerous situation.  One he had never dealt with before.

"Oh, how you have lived for so long enjoying the gift you have been given without having to pay any kind of price for it.  Tsk, tsk, tsk.  Well, we're here to tell you that there is a price to pay Jacob.  Oh yes, there is a price." It said with a hungry, ravenous tone. Like a hungry snake, slithering around its prey. Salivating on the thought of swallowing Jacob whole at any moment.  Whatever this thing was, he needed to get away.  He tried pulling again but just couldn't get out of this man's mind.

"Oh no Jacob.  There is no escaping.  We have you in our grips," it said sounding almost like it was licking its lips.  "We have you and do not plan to let you go.  What a tasty treat too.  You will join the rest of them.  Deep down there. Becoming another voice screaming into the infinite void.  Oh what beautiful singing they make," it said as the man began to slowly walk toward Jacob.  "You hear that," it continued, "that muffled, watery sound.  Those are the screams of so many others that we have eaten.  And you will join them Jacob.  You are next. We are going to eat you."

Jacob got up from the table and started to hurriedly walk away.

"Where do you think you're going?"

Jacob just needed to get far enough away, he thought. That's all and he would sever the tie.  Cut them out.  Just like how he does it when he can't see the person he jumps in to.  

"Oh, you think if we can't see you then you will escape," it said amused. "Oh Jacob, you still had so much to learn and you wasted it on feeble, selfish things.  We know.  We can see."

How could it read his mind.  It knew things he wasn't thinking.  Whatever this thing was had capabilities far beyond his own. 

"What the hell are you?" Jacob finally asked from inside his mind.

"We are an ancient being.  Old gods. Consciousness with no boundaries," it said as the empty man followed.

"What the hell do you want with me?" Jacob asked frantically.

"There are so many like you Jacob.  So many who have your gift.  And none of you even know how to communicate with each other.  All unworthy of such gifts."

Jacob hurried back to his car trying to get as far away from the strange man as he could.

"We don't want your flesh Jacob.  That already belongs to another god.  A hellish being.  A price you will pay in blood for the body you have.  It is not a kind god.  From flesh and blood and pain you come, so with flesh and blood and pain you will return.  Nothing is free Jacob.  We just want the part of you that makes you...well, you." 

Jacob could almost hear its lips drooling.  If it even had any.

"What, like my soul? You want my soul?" Jacob asked.

"Yes, you call it that.  But it is so much more than that.  Human beings have barely discovered the tips of their awareness.  The horrors of the cosmos are much, much deeper.  And there are plenty of hungry things out there."

Jacob finally got into his car, turned it on and drove away. But he could still somehow hear the voice in his head.

"There's nowhere to go Jacob. There is only one way this will end.  You found us.  Remember that.  Your soul was too curious and fell into our trap.  An empty mind," it said letting out what sounded like a small chuckle.  "You can have your flesh and blood.  That does not belong to us.  But your sentience. That is ours.  You will have the thin veil of thought just like everyone else.  You will exist inside your own mind just like everyone else.  But we will eat that part of you that can share consciousness.  We eat that part as you are born.  We eat it so deliciously.  But every so often, one of you slips by. You slipped by. It is now time to pay Jacob.  Time to pay your price for such gifts."

And right then Jacob saw a white flash of light and he felt his mind being pulled away from himself until he felt something ripping.  Something existential.  It pulled him apart and then he couldn't see and drove into a telephone pole.

     Jacob woke up later in a hospital.  They said everything was normal and that he hadn't suffered any serious injury.  But everything wasn't normal.  Maybe normal for them but not for Jacob.  Something was lost.  He could feel it.  He couldn't jump his mind anymore.  He couldn't hear anyone else's thoughts.  He existed just inside his own.  He could no longer connect.  A panic of isolation washed over him and he broke down and cried.  He cried hard.  Slobbering over himself as his tears dripped to the ground.  He cried until he couldn't breath.  He felt more alone than at any point in his life.  

     As the years have gone by, he has come to terms with life without his gift.  He still gets random noise in his head that doesn't belong to him.  Random whispers that aren't his.  And the watery, muffled, underwater sound still haunts him.  Gives him nightmares.  But the worst part, and he can't be sure of this, is that he can hear himself sometimes screaming out for help from somewhere far off, in desperate pathetic pleas. He can hear himself begging.  Saying "I'll do anything.  Please.  Please.  Just let me go." He doesn't want to know if what he hears is real or if he has just been sitting in silence for too long with his own thoughts.

The Quiet Girl

It was a night like any other night.  A night she had done a million times before.  She was alone again.  Like usual.  Searching to pull any kind of happy moment from another wasted day amongst the bottom rungs of another dark night.  She hadn't done anything today again. Like so many other days before today. She spent most of the day sleeping.  Just waking up to go to the bathroom and then back to sleep.  She wasn't much a cook either, so she would just eat whatever was in the fridge.  She usually just cut up raw carrots and lettuce.  No cooking required.  She was like a rabbit, she thought.  Yeah, a lonely, pathetic rabbit who never left its cage.  She did go antiquing from time to time.  It was her only hobby. But she rarely found the motivation to do it anymore.  

     She did find a nice, quaint shop about a week ago at the edge of town.  Hidden amongst a neighborhood.  Pickman's curiosities and relics it was called.  It looked like a little house on the outside.  There were no other businesses around.  It was nestled in between two larger homes.  She had walked by, wandering through random neighborhoods as she did sometimes because she didn't have a car.  One could have easily missed the place if not for a tiny sign sitting in the front lawn.  Pickman's curiosities and relics.  Please, do come in, it read.  The front door was of amber and a heavy red oak.  She turned the golden doorknob and as she pushed the door open, a little bell sitting above the door jingled.  Announcing to the shop keeper that a prospective buyer had entered. 

     An old man sat behind a desk with an old fashioned register sitting beside him.  He wore small clear glasses attached to a gold chain that hung loosely around his neck.  She assumed it was for hanging his glasses on his chest when he took them off.  He had a head full of grey hair and looked to be in his seventies or eighties.  He was reading a book when he heard the jingle. He looked up from behind his book and tilted down his glasses and said in an old, kind tone, "hello, young lady, let me know if there is anything I can help you with," and just like that, went back to reading his book.

"Thank you," she replied and she began wandering the tightly packed aisles.  There were shelves so packed with trinkets and oddities that there was no more space for any new things to fit.  There were bookshelves filled with old dusty looking books.  Glass display cases that held what looked like old mummified hands.  Golden necklaces, talismans and the occasional silver bracelet. 

     So many new things she had never seen before.  She meandered passed low sitting tables, heavy cabinets, mirrors, dishes and old artwork.  The shop had an old world smell.  Like wet wood and moss.  It wasn't very bright inside.  She wandered through like she was walking through a garden full of beautiful flowers.  Letting the tips of her fingers gently brush everything.

     She was enamored with the hidden history of every object.  Every little trinket was perhaps even older than she was.  Perhaps by decades, maybe even centuries.  She loved the idea that she existed in the midst of so many old relics.  Things that had seen so much.  Much more than she had experienced in her entire life.  These oddities and relics had been to so many parts of the world.  Even this little golden ring she picked up.  This has probably seen the sunsets in Italy, she thought, or the golden sandy shores of Greece.  Or maybe it has been laying for centuries at the bottom of the sea, seeing all manner of sea creatures no human as ever seen.  The possibilities were endless.  And she loved all of it.

     She navigated through the twist and turns of the labyrinth like aisles until she reached the very back of the shop.  And there she saw it.  A cute, silver, amulet necklace.  It had a thin silver chain and the amulet itself opened up where you could put two small pictures inside.  It was empty though.  There were no pictures there now.  She didn't have anyone to put in there anyway.  But she did really like it.  When she picked it up, she instantly felt a connection to the amulet.  She needed to have it. It was beautiful.

     She carefully turned it over searching for a price tag.  She inspected the engravings on the front and back.  They looked like flowery patterns and swirls.  It felt nice to touch..  But there was nothing attached to the amulet or the silver chain telling her how much it cost.  She made her way back to the front of the shop to where the old man was sitting.

"Excuse me sir," she said in almost a scared whisper.  She got nervous when she talked to people.  She had a stutter growing up that she worked really hard to get rid of but it sometimes came out when she got nervous. "H-how much for this?" she continued as she handed the old man the amulet necklace.  He grabbed one end of his glasses and held them as he inspected the necklace. 

"Oh, this is beautiful," he said in his old man voice.  "Let's see, lets see here, hmmm," he continued as he looked around it, also searching for a price tag that was not there.  How strange, he thought, he put price tags on everything in that shop himself.  Perhaps he missed one.  He would have to appraise it in the moment or else he could lose a potential buyer.  There hadn't been much business for such a long time.  So he did his best to come up with a good price.  "There doesn't seem to be a price," he said, "let's see,"  he continued as he walked behind a computer screen.  He pretended to research prices from a database that didn't exist.  She wouldn't know.  She couldn't see the computer screen.  He was just clicking random links and folders, just giving himself enough time to figure out a price he liked but also one she would pay.

"How about forty dollars?" he finally said.

She didn't like that price and the old man could see it on her face.  He acted quickly and said, "But how about for you..." rubbing his chin, "twenty dollars?"

She liked that price much better and smiled.  "I'll take it," she said before he changed his mind.

"Great!" the old man replied.  "I'll bag it up for you."

He grabbed a brown paper bag and a small case for the necklace and placed it inside the bag.  He folded the top neatly and handed it to her with two hands.

****

      That was a week ago.  The amulet necklace lay sitting on top of her dresser now, in front of a large mirror that also sat atop.  She hadn't really gone outside since then.  Except for work or to get groceries, she had stayed inside.  Nighttime was when she felt most comfortable anyway.  But she didn't really like going out when it was dark.  The world was asleep and even though she was still inside, she felt no one would notice her at night.  She listened to everything with headphones on and watched TV with headphones on.  She didn't bother anyone.  She was a quiet tenant.  Never disturbed anyone.  But tonight was different.  Tonight, she didn't feel as invisible as she usually felt.  Almost like something was watching her.

     She didn't notice at first, but as she watched television with her headphones on, things were moving around her.  Things that shouldn't be moving.  Things that usually stay in place after you set them down.  An empty glass in the kitchen was sliding slightly across the counter without her noticing.  Some pens rolled on the desk next to the wall.  Strange things were happening and she didn't notice any of it.

     She was watching her show while eating some popcorn from a bowl when she finally had to get up to go pee, so she paused her show, took off her headphones and went to the bathroom.  It was while she was washing her hands that she noticed her hair brush wasn't where she remembered leaving it.  Weird, she thought.  Maybe she just didn't remember moving it.  In either case, she paid no mind to it.  She sat back down and grabbed her headphones but before putting them back on, she looked strangely at the television.  It looked crooked.  At just the slightest angle.  Like it was tilted to one side.  Has she never noticed that before?  How could she never notice that? It wasn't crooked by very much but it was enough to notice and now that she had noticed it, she couldn't unsee it.  She got up and inspected the television stand.  It was level.  Seemed normal.  She then leaned her head behind the TV, examined the sides, slid her hand up and down the border of the screen.  Everything looked fine.  But why did it look crooked?  She couldn't watch her show until she fixed this issue.  She decided she was going to get some paper towels to place underneath the TV stand so that the picture would look level again.  It was an odd thing to stress over but it was something she couldn't let go.

     She went to the kitchen and noticed the empty glass on the counter.  Did I leave this right here, she thought.  Hmm, whatever.  She grabbed some paper towels and folded them carefully. She went back to the TV and lifted one side very gently and slid the folded paper towels underneath.  That should do it, she said to herself.  She stood back and took a quick look at the TV.  Perfect.  Okay, much better.  She turned around and sat back down on the couch and just as she was about to put her headphones back on she saw that the TV was crooked again.  What the hell, she thought.  I just saw it, it wasn't crooked.  I just fixed the damn thing.  She rubbed her eyes.  Maybe I'm just tired.  Maybe it's time to go to bed, she thought.

      She wouldn't notice it at the time but the picture frames sitting on the shelves behind her were moving very slightly while she was rubbing her eyes, trying to figure out her TV situation.   She looked at the TV and it was now tilted slightly to the left because of the paper towels she had placed underneath.  She removed them from under the TV and set the TV back down.  It wasn't crooked anymore.  It never was.  Her eyes were playing tricks on her.  I think it might be time to go to bed, she thought.  She stood up and as she did she felt a little nauseous.  So she sat back down.  Oh no, did I eat something bad, she thought immediately. Was it the lettuce I ate earlier?  I had heard there was a recall on lettuce. Was it contaminated, she wondered.  She sat for a moment, hoping it would go away soon and just then out of the corner of her eye she saw the small lamp on the desk slide.  It wasn't a far distance that it moved but she certainly saw it move.  She was sure of it.  She got up and walked toward the lamp and it was sitting slightly crooked. So it wasn't just her imagination. She stared at it.  She pushed it back in alignment with the rest of the desk.  She tried to figure out how it had moved.  Maybe she had rats.  She got shivers thinking about a rat scurrying across the floor by her bare feet.  God I hope not, she thought.  But maybe there Was a rat and it tugged on the cord that led to the power outlet.  She took a step back and looked underneath the desk.  There was nothing there.  

     She started to get a cold shiver that ran up her spine.  She decided to go lay in bed.  How did that lamp move, she kept thinking.  And slowly an eeriness began to creep into her mind.  Like a slow moving fog coming off the hills.  It seemed to fill the room.  She started turning off all the lights but kept one on in the living room.  Tonight, she didn't feel completely comfortable sleeping in complete darkness.  She laid down and pulled the blanket over her legs.  She looked at the picture hanging on the wall beside her closet.  She blinked a few times and rubbed her eyes.  She couldn't believe it.  It was also crooked.  It gave her shivers all across her body.  Get a grip Jessica, she told herself.  She was letting her intrusive thoughts get the better of her.  She closed her eyes and dragged both her hands down her face as she let out a few long, dry breaths of air.  Inhale.  Exhale. In...hale. Foooo.  Ex...hale. Foooo.  She took a few deep breaths and opened her eyes.  She was feeling better and then she looked at the picture again.  It wasn't crooked anymore.  Was she seeing things?  Had her depression and isolation finally make something crack inside her mind.  Nothing like this had ever happened to her before.

     She got up to go get a glass of water.  Once she got into the kitchen she noticed the empty glass from before had been moved again.  Did she move it last time?  She couldn't remember.  She must have.  She didn't want to believe the other explanation.  She grabbed the Brita filtered water pitcher from the fridge and grabbed a fresh new glass from the cupboard.  She poured  her water and headed back to bed.  As she walked away she could hear a soft sliding sound behind her.  She stopped immediately.  She slowly turned her head around while holding her breath.  She waited.  The apartment was dark except for the single light she left on.  She listened for the soft, sliding sound again.  There it was!  Something was moving in the kitchen.  Oh god, I hope it's not a rat, she immediately thought.  She slowly walked back with her eyes vigilant to any movement or for anything out of place.  What was she looking for? She didn't know.  She stared intently into the dark kitchen.  There!  The empty glass.  It moved.  It slid across the counter.  She turned on the light.  It didn't slide far but it definitely moved.  And actually, it's still moving. What...the....hell, she said out loud as she watched the empty glass sliding.  Nothing she could see was causing the glass to move.  What was going on?  She went to grab her phone to record what she was seeing and as she turned on the screen, there was a face of an old woman screaming with a painful look on her face.  With her teeth spread apart, yellow and decaying.  She dropped her phone.  What the fuck was that?  She stood silently for a few moments trying to understand what she just saw.  Her lockscreen usually had some anime character on it, she knows, she carefully chooses them to put as her wallpaper.  

     Someone must have hacked her phone, she thought.  Oh no, she might need to do a factory reset on her phone.  She slowly picked up her phone and hesitated for a moment before turning on her screen again.  It was back to normal.  Her anime character was still there and the time and date read correctly.  Or did it.  The time was correct but where the day should show said, "Festering, 66, 1408."  What the hell did that mean?  She rubbed her eyes with her fingers and opened them again and the date now said "Torture, 25, 1211." She rubbed them again and again it said something different.  It read "You're going to burn."  She turned the screen off and tossed the phone on the couch.  What the hell was going on? Was someone fucking with her?  Maybe it was that nauseous feeling from earlier.  Maybe she got some kind of food poisoning and now she was hallucinating.  She didn't see what she saw.  No way.  And the empty glass, that also wasn't moving either.  

     Just then, a loud crashing sound startled her.  It was the sound of glass shattering behind her.  She turned around quickly and went to the kitchen. There it was, on the floor in a million glass shards.  The empty glass that certainly wasn't moving before.  But if it wasn't moving, then how did it end up on the floor, shattered.  She stared at the pieces for a few moments.  Dread and fear began to take over.  That eeriness that filled the room before had begun to seep into her emotions.  She didn't feel like she was alone anymore.  There felt to be some kind of presence in the apartment now, with her.  Something didn't feel right.  There was only silence lingering in the air as she slowly looked around the apartment.  She wanted to see if anything else weird was happening.

     She wouldn't notice this at the time, but a growing shadow had begun to grow darker in the upper corner of the kitchen.  It had been there the whole time but she never thought to examine it closer.  The apartment was dark.  It was nighttime.  There was shadows everywhere.  She thought nothing of it at the time.

      As she scanned the walls and shelves for anything out of the ordinary, the phone began to ring.  It said Mom on the caller i.d.  It was late.  Why was her mom calling her.  She picked it up and hesitantly answered it.

"Hello?" she answered in an impatient tone.

"Hey.  I didn't wake you did I?"

"No, no, no.  I was awake," she said rubbing her eyes again.  "What's up?"

"What are you doing?  Watching your show?"

"I was but then I was getting ready for bed."

"Oh, okay."

"Hey mom..." she started.

"Yeah?"

"Have you..." she continued before stopping herself.  She didn't want to get into a conversation about the weird things that were happening.  Especially with her mom.  She would only make it worse.  It would only make everything scarier.  Plus, what could her mom tell her anyway.  They weren't that close.  Which is why it was weird she was calling so late.  It must be important, she thought.  "Is something wrong mom?"

"Wrong? No, nothing's wrong...it's just that," she said before trailing off and saying nothing.

     Jessica again wouldn't notice but the shadow that had been growing in the kitchen had now moved to where the desk was.  It had slid underneath looking like any other normal shadow would.

"What mom? What's wrong?" she asked growing more impatient.

"It's just that...is anything weird going on right now for you?"

She frowned her face.  Why was she asking that?  How could she possibly think that?  "What?" she replied.

"Like, is there like, how do you say...paranormal things happening in your apartment?"

"Why would you ask that mom?"

"I just get those feelings sometimes.  You know the feelings I used to get when you lived here.  Do you remember?"

"Yeah, I remember mom and I remember how scary you could get too when you would tell us the devil was in the walls."

"They were mija, they were.  I was only trying to protect my children."

"Protect? Ha.  And what is it now mom?  Are the devils in my walls?  Are you warning me about some kind of evil thing?" she said as all her childhood rage began to pour out.  She had left that home.  And she left for good reasons.  Her mom was always too superstitious to get any kind of motherly comfort from her.  Always felt like she just wanted to have control over her and her brothers and sister.  She didn't really care if they were okay.  She only cared if she was in control.  When bad things or just bad luck happened to her, she would blame other people for it and would wish them harm.  She even once saw her mom doing witchcraft in her bedroom.  At least that's what she thought it was.  

     She had heard whispering and weird sounding words one night being repeated over and over and over again.  So she got up from bed and headed towards her mother's bedroom.  Her door was slightly open and she saw her mom on her knees, with her hands together above her head with a thin silver chain wrapped around both her wrists, tying them together. She had dozens of candles lit in front of a mirror.  Her mom had her head facing the ground, rocking back and forth, whispering weird things.  She looked into the mirror from the small slice of space from the open door and to this day she swears she saw a shadowy figure in the reflection.

"I don't know mija, I just sort of all of a sudden had a bad feeling and needed to call you.  To see if everything was alright."

"Yeah mom, everything is alright," she said even though the weird things happening made it not alright.  The frustrations she felt toward her mom overtook any scared feeling she had.  Maybe that was good thing.  It got her mind off the strangeness that was going on.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes mom.  I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Okay mija."

And she hung up the phone.  She was frustrated but didn't understand why she was so annoyed by the phone call.  She almost couldn't control the negative emotions she was feeling.  She took a few moments to calm down and started to think about it.  That was a strange coincidence that she would call this late asking if anything weird was happening.  Because there was weird things happening.  Shit, the fact that her mom called and asked that was also a weird thing.  

     She took a breath and went to the dark, unlit bathroom and reached for the light switch but nothing was there.  She searched  for it in the darkness rubbing her hand on the wall but something felt wrong.  The wall felt like skin.  Like an old person's skin.  She pulled her hand away quickly.  What's happening, she thought.  She rubbed her eyes again and gently slapped her face.  Get a grip.  Get a grip.  She again reached for the light switch and it was exactly where it was every. single. time.  She turned the light on and went to the sink to wash her face.

     She didn't notice as she went to bend down to splash cold water on her face that her reflection did not bend down with her.  Instead it only moved its eyes following her as she bent down over the sink and stared.  

     When she stood up again, she grabbed the small towel hanging next to the sink.  She covered her entire face and took a few deep breaths.  Everything is okay.  Everything is okay, she repeated to herself.  The paranoia was beginning to take hold but she kept fighting to not lose this battle.  She pulled the towel off her face and looked at her reflection.  Was it smirking?  Was her reflection giving her the tiniest of smiles or was she, herself smiling and didn't notice?  I don't see that, she told herself closing her eyes.  But she did.  She wasn't going to validate it though by saying it was real.  It wasn't.  It couldn't be.  She shook her head and chose to ignore it.  She was about to leave the bathroom and turn off the light when she decided she would leave it on.  She looked around the living room with now, wide frightened eyes.  She didn't know what she was looking for.  She turned and headed to the bedroom before stopping.  She was absolutely sure, well as sure as she could be in her present state of mind that there was no knife sitting on the kitchen counter before.  Why would she pull one out?  She didn't.  Why was it sitting there though?  She stared at it as she slowly took a few steps towards it.  Her heart was beating so hard she could feel it in her neck.  It felt like it was about to burst through her ribcage.  Her eyes wide and throbbing.  How could this knife be here? Something wasn't right.  Yes.  Finally, she admitted it to herself.  This wasn't right.  Something otherworldly was going on.  Everything felt wrong.  There was something alien here.  

     Panic began to fill her lungs.  It felt like she was drowning.  Her eyes began to dart around the room as panic made her see crawling things on her arms.  Spider looking things.  She swiped them away but they didn't fly off.  No matter how hard she tried.  She screamed as she could feel little crawly things all over her body.  She shook her head wildly, swinging her arms and hair every which way.  And then nothing.  They were gone.  Like nothing had happened.  She took a moment to compose herself.  She took five or six deep breaths.  Hold it together, she thought.  She went to the bedroom and looked out the window just to make sure the world was still there and wasn't also doing weird things.  That's when she noticed a soft, silver gleam of light in the corner of her eye.  She turned her head and noticed that it was the silver amulet necklace sitting atop her dresser, the one she had bought at the antique shop.  It was glittering the light from outside.  She went to pick it up and stopped in horror.  In the mirror, she saw a shadowy figure standing behind her.  She turned around but there was nothing standing there but then much to her horror, there was a shadow lingering on the far wall. She stood frozen in fear.  She didn't know what she was looking at.  It was darker than any of the other shadows.  It swallowed any light it touched.  It was the deepest, darkest black she had ever seen.  She stood frozen in fear, getting sucked in by the darkness.  Falling into a trance like state.  And just then, her phone rang from the living room.  It took her out of her trance and she ran to the living room and answered.  It was her mom again.

"Mom! Mom!" she said crying.  "There is something wrong happening here.  It isn't right.  It's all wrong mom!"

But she got no answer.  "Mom?" she said softly.  "Are you there mom?"

"Jesssssica...is that you?" she said sounding like she was half asleep.

"Mom? What's wrong?"

"Jesssssica....." she said taking a long pause before asking, "Where am I?"

"Mom, what's wrong?"

"I don't...recognize this place," she said in a groggy sleepy voice.

"Mom, where are you? I'm coming to get you."

"I don't...know," she replied in a slow slur.  "I don't...feel right," she said.  "I'm thirsty."

"Mom, what's happening?"

"They're hurting me, Jessica."

"Who mom?  Who's hurting you?"

"I don't know...it's dark here...I don't know where I am..." then a loud shriek came out of the phone hurting her ear and then a staticky voice.  A foreign voice began to talk.  

"You want to see it! I'll show you!  Twenty four and six! You want to see it!  I'll show you! Twenty five and seven! Do you want to go to heaven.  Oh no, sorry, instead you will be dead.  And to hell you will go and you will burn.  Twenty six and six! It's the beast! You want to see it! I'll show you!"

She listened in horror.  There was a growing terror in her bones from not what it was saying but of the sound of this voice.  It had a metallic, static sound to it. It wasn't human.  It was emptiness.  It was something not of this world.  It was something that should not be here.  It wasn't the voice of a person.  It was the sound of the dread in the room.  The sound of the eeriness she felt drowning inside of her, it was the all the horror and terror she felt this night being poured into this voice.  It was the voice of a demon.  And it was coming from the amulet necklace.  She knew it.  She knew it in her soul.  She could feel a presence attached to it and it was pouring out of it.  Pouring out of the walls and floors.  Growing from the shadows.  It wanted to be here.  But it wasn't completely here, not yet.  She knew that.  But it was coming and it was hungry and she knew she was dinner.

     She had to get out of there.  She dropped the phone but could still hear that horrible voice screaming.  "You want to see it! I'll show you!  Even if you leave, you will never leave.  Try to hide and it will find you.  Twenty two and ten.  All your family is dead."

With every ounce of strength she began walking to the door.  It was like something was holding her in place.  Not letting her move.  She could only very slowly take one step at a time.  And right before her eyes, the apartment began to melt.  The walls began to sag and curve.  The ceiling sagged like a thick glob and the floor stuck to her feet.  The front door started to bend in unnatural ways.  She pulled all her strength to take another step towards the door before it melted away.  She took one heavy step after another.  All her pictures had transformed, they had demonic faces in them.  Some had animals eating children.  Mouths appeared in the walls, smiling with yellow sharp teeth.  Round shadow things with ten legs moved around the ground.  The pictures of herself now showed strange naked women with bleeding eyes and grinning cannibal teeth.  The apartment was collapsing on itself.  She needed to get out.

     What she didn't realize however, was that she wasn't actually walking toward the door.  She was really walking to the kitchen where the knife had been sitting on the counter.  She had grabbed it and had begun slicking her wrists.  Blood had begun pouring out of her as she collapsed to the floor.  Around her was just a normal apartment.  It wasn't melting.  There was no demonic voices screaming.  Nothing was moving.  It was just a girl bleeding out from her wrists.

***

She had awoken in the hospital connected to machines.  Her wrists hurt and she could barely breath.  She looked around the room and saw a nurse come in, "Where am I?" she asked.

"You're in the ICU.  You're fine.  Everything is okay.  Just stay calm. You're lucky to be alive."

     Many months later, it was explained to her that her neighbors had broken open her door because they could hear deathly screaming coming from inside.  Like a bloody murder was happening.  They had found her bleeding out on the kitchen floor.  They had saved her life.  She has since moved out of that apartment and gave back the amulet necklace to the antique shop.  

     She can still hear that hollow inhuman voice screaming from the phone.  She swears it was all real.  It still haunts her dreams and her waking moments.  And in all those weeks she spent recovering in the hospital, not once did her mom come visit.  She didn't know it at the time but she came to find out that was because her mom had died that same night.  She had also cut her own wrists and bled out.  Though, no one came through her door.  It would be days before anyone would find her.

Coil

      I write this now hoping it will provide me the comfort that I seemed to have lost.  The grounded comfort of what it means to be alive.  To have experiences you remember and that have a tangible feeling on your soul that has helped you grow into the person you are.  But I seem to only have memories to a certain point.  So I hope in writing this, I can find some of those comforts so many others enjoy.

     It was the summer of '96.  The way the world moved was different in those days. The town of Toppenish was different back then.  Kids could wake up with eager hearts to play outside and disappear in the morning, maybe scarf down breakfast in a hurry so they can leave in a rush and return when the sun was going down just in time for dinner.  Right before it got dark, my mom would always say, be back before dark.  That's all that was required.  At least that hasn't changed much, I would assume.  But I'm not sure though. Back then, our parents would make sure we were okay and being safe and were home before dark.  It gave us kids a lot of freedom.  

     Downtown was barely even a quarter mile stretch.  It had only a few businesses.  A video rental place.  A laundromat and a post office all within walking distance from each other.  We didn't live close to the city center but it was a short bike ride away for me and my friends.  I could go to any corner of town with my bike no problem.  There was a sense of freedom in that, like I had the whole world in reaching distance.

     We lived at the edge of town.  Where it stopped like a wall.  Like someone had drawn a line and said, no more houses or apartments beyond this point.  Beyond the row of small houses and apartments was just farm fields and brush for miles.  It's different now.  No more farmland.  Just more houses and an elementary school.  But back then, the town stopped in a straight line and open farmland started.  Straight roads that connected the nearby towns together stretched away in straight lines.  No transit buses. No taxis or ubers.  Nothing like that.  You either had a car or you bummed a ride from someone you knew or knew someone that knew someone.  And if you were really desperate you would walk the fifteen or twenty miles to the next town over and hope that someone driving by would pull over and offer you a ride. 

     I would wake up early on those summer days and the first thing I would do was throw on some shorts and take my bike out the back door.  There were boxes crowding the small walkway that led to the backdoor and my mom would always hear me moving the boxes so I could wheel my bike out.  It was a small apartment, it was only four of us, my mom, my dad, my sister and me but it already wasn't enough space.

"Hey!" my mom would shout from her bedroom, barely waking up, "where do you think you're going mister?" I can still hear her like it was yesterday.

"I'm just gonna ride around the block mom, I'll be back soon," I would tell her as I wheeled my bicycle out the door.

"Okay, but be back soon.  I'm going to make breakfast and you'd better be here to eat it before it gets cold," she would say.  I never wanted to upset her by not eating her food.  She always reminded us how hard our dad worked so we could have food on the table.  'You clean that plate mister', she would say.  Meaning we better eat everything she served us.  That was easy, my mom was a good cook.

     Those were the days of growing up with a certain sense of freedom and safety but also knowing you were taken care of.   Not like how it is when you're an adult.  Having to hold a job.  Paying your bills.  Dealing with people you don't like. Everything becomes such a blur when you're an adult, its hard to create meaningful memories.  Back then though, you could still be the master of your own life even if you really didn't actually have that much power.  It didn't matter, everything still felt completely free and endless.  And when I rode my bike, I felt like discovery was just around any corner.  Not so much anymore.

      That's the way I remember it anyway. The way world moves today feels different.  But I was a kid then.  What did I know about the world.  There were no smartphones back then, no internet, no wi-fi.  We got most our entertainment from the television and if not from there, comic books or the radio and if not from there then all we had was our imagination.  Maybe that's why certain things feel sterile today.  Maybe that's why the world feels, how do you say, not as authentic as back then.  It's not a matter of taste, there's just something about it that just doesn't feel right.  Something that doesn't feel real to me.  And I struggle with that.

     During that summer, I left in the morning like I always do.  I wheeled my bike through the back walkway and carefully moved the boxes and again, as she always did, my mom shouted, "Where do you think you're going mister?"

"Just going to ride a few blocks mom, I'll be back soon. I'm not hungry today," I shouted back.

"Okay, but make sure you don't stay in the sun too long or you'll burn yourself."

"Okay mom."

I rode around the neighborhood for a little while and it was hot that day.  I could feel the sting of the heat on my neck and beads of sweat rolling down my face.  I decided I wanted to go to the small stream just outside of town.  It was a narrow stream that flowed underneath a small bridge.  There was lots of shade there and it was usually cool.  I rode toward where the line of houses and apartments separated from the farm fields that seemed to stretch out into infinity.  I loved riding out there watching the irrigation water flowing through the trenches of the strawberry patches and then the through cucumber plants on the next field over.  There was so much produce growing out there.  I could exist out there for much longer than my mother would like.  And some days, I did.  I would just chase small frogs or splash sticks into the water.  But today I was going to the small stream that ran underneath a small bridge.

     Once I got to the fields I turned down Bleeker street and followed that straight until the flat farm land turned into trees and bushes.  The road led away from town.  There were no sounds out there other than the sounds of the moving world.  No people.  Just the sound of buzzing insects and the wavy heat from the sun.  There was just the soft gargle of the irrigation water flowing through long ditches.  I felt completely free and alone out there as I rode my bike feeling the warm air blowing against my face.  I wasn't even sure where the road led beyond the stream, this was my whole world.  As far as I was concerned, it was the whole wide world.

     When I finally made it to the bridge I leaned my bike against the barrier.  I was never worried about anyone stealing my bike.  I never saw anyone around there.  I then slowly made my way down the slope leading to the stream. I took careful steps down a steep slope. I leaned back as I carefully took my steps.  I put one hand down as I stepped, to prevent my feet from slipping.  It wasn't too long of a slope but it was a little steep, with slippery spots.  If you weren't careful, you could easily slip and tumble  down.

     I made it down to the banks of the stream.  It wasn't a wide stream, maybe twelve to fifteen feet wide.  It flowed across and under the bridge.  The shade here was such a relief from the heat.  The beads of sweat stopped dripping and the air under the thicket of trees felt fresh and cool.  You could barely see through the lines of trees.  It was very shady here.  And looking underneath the bridge the shade was even darker.  It was hard to see at times.  I played by the water for a little swinging sticks in the air and splashing water for a while before I heard a voice coming from underneath the bridge.

"Hey, little boy," the voice said.

I turned around in shock because there was never anyone here.  I just stared into the dark shade under the bridge trying my hardest to figure out who the voice belonged to but couldn't see anyone.

"Hey..." the voice said again, "over here."  And then I saw it, a man, or something that looked like a man, sitting on the ground leaning up against the wall.  He had one leg outstretched and the other bent upward with his arm hanging over his knee.  "You got anything to drink?" he asked in a raspy dry tone.  Like how a voice would sound in the morning after being at a concert and shouting all night.

"No sir," I replied immediately wanting to leave and go home.  Never talk to strangers.  Everyone knew that.

"It's hotter than the fire's of hell today, isn't it."

"Yes sir," I said as fear began to overtake my body.  Something about this man wasn't right.  I wanted to go home but my body wasn't listening to me.  I just stood there.  

"You're not thinking about going home are you?" the voice said.  "You just got here."

I didn't reply.  I didn't want to get into a conversation.  I knew enough that I wasn't supposed to talk to strangers.  And this man was sitting underneath a bridge outside of town.  I knew enough to want to go home and not engage in any kind of conversation.  But there was something else.  Something that felt not of this world about the man.  I could feel it in my bones.  

"Don't be afraid Johnny boy, I'm not going to hurt you," he said.  I was in complete shock because how did he know my name.  Did he know my parents? How did he know me?

"Johnny boy, oh johnny boy," he said singing in a low raspy voice.  "Why won't you play with me?"

I couldn't reply.  Fear had me frozen stiff.  Freezing parts of me that would have already run away.  I just stared into the dark shade underneath the bridge as this man spoke to me. I could barely even speak.

"I n-need to go home, sir," I said to the darkness that was shaped like a man.

"No you don't, Johnny boy," he said as he stood up.  I couldn't make out any features. I couldn't see a face or skin or anything. He was just a black silhouette in the shape of a man.  Like a shadow moving that wasn't stuck to the walls.  He then pointed at me and I looked down at my pants and I had peed myself.

"No no no, that just won't do, now will it, Johnny boy," it hissed.  "What would your father think.  Tsk, tsk tsk," he said in a disappointed tone.  I didn't know what I was looking at.  It was just darkness moving like a man.  And the shaded areas of the bridge were growing and becoming a complete shapeless darkness.  Like a void.  No details.  No texture.  Just complete darkness that swallowed the light. It moved and stretched up from the ground and over everything underneath the bridge.  The thing started lumbering toward me.  Moving in an unnatural way.

"Don't worry Johnny boy, I'm not going to hurt you," it said as parts of its body started disappearing into the void.  "But you're stuck here with me now," it said. "For eternity," it said as it revealed a long smile that shined bright white sharp teeth.  Like a shark's teeth.  Like the mouth a predator.  "Doesn't that sound nice, Johnny boy."

I wanted to move so badly but couldn't muster an inch.  It was right, I was stuck.  It was like it had an invisible grip around my whole body.

"You want to leave?" it asked.  "Go ahead, say it, and I will let you leave," it taunted as it continued to lumber forward toward me. Taking one step at a time. I couldn't get any words out.  Just empty air escaped my mouth.  Where the bridge was, underneath was just a black void stretching out into infinite nothingness.  It was slowly stretching to the ground underneath my feet.  

"Oh, what's that, nothing to say," it said toying with me.  "Seems to me, you want to stay.  Oh, I think that would be okay.  You can stay Johnny boy, you can stay forever. I can make you see whatever I want.  You can have whatever you want."

"I j-j-just want to g-g-go home!" I finally shouted. And the thing stopped moving.

"I'm impressed, Johnny boy," it said.  "Okay, you can go home," it said again revealing its sharp long smile.  "If you can outrun me Johnny boy."

And then in a flash, I found myself running up the slope toward my bike.  I don't know how I got here but I knew I was running and I continued to run.  I felt something behind me chasing me.  I turned around and a snarling void in the shape of a man with sharp white teeth and blood oozing from the side of its mouth like saliva was charging me. Like an animal chasing its prey ready to sink its jaws into my flesh.  It was charging right behind me.  I could feel it moving behind me.  I could hear its feet stomping into the ground so close behind.  The panic was so intense it almost made me freeze again.  But I forced myself to keep moving.  I screamed and scrambled up the slope on all fours before reaching my bicycle.  I hopped on and rode as fast as I could and turned around again and there it was, a large black void shadow, chasing me with a gaping open mouth and blood dripping from its mouth. I rode hard toward the sunlight.  To the breaking tree line. To get back home.  Where it was safe. But I could hear its thumping footsteps on the road sprinting behind me. I rode as fast as my legs would push. Then I noticed, it had already bitten me.  I was missing a huge chunk of my stomach.  I hadn't noticed before because the panic was so intense but my intestines were spilling out of my stomach.  Tumbling out and twisting into the bike chains.  I could feel the strength in my legs leaving me.  My heart was beating like it was going to explode but even with my innards spilling out of me I just needed to keep going. When I got to the sunlight, I saw another flash.  And I was back, standing in front of the dark figure again.

"Hahaha!" it laughed loudly in a terrible cackle.  Like some kind of animal gargling its tongue.  "See, Johnny boy, you are stuck here with me.  Forever.  You are never leaving here."

I looked down where the part of my stomach was missing and it was fine.  No bite.  No intestines spilling out.  No blood. 

"I'm going to eat you, how does that sound.  I'm going to rip you apart and drink your blood," it said as it took a step toward me.

I closed my eyes tight and I could hear it steps coming toward me until finally, it was standing directly next to me and I opened my eyes very briefly.  I saw it right in front of my face.  A deep void of nothingness.  Like the infinite expanse of outer space.  I could feel a hopeless dread deeper than anything I had felt in my life devouring my soul.  Like how it feels when you get the air knocked out of you.  But for my soul.  Like my consciousness was being eaten.  I could feel myself losing my grip on who I was.  Losing what I was.  Losing my grip on reality.

     This is the part that still haunts me to this day.  My eyes were then overcome in white light and reality seemed to pour back in.  Slowly I could see details of a room.  I saw a TV.  I began to see a window and a lamp.  I was laying in a bed.  There was a nightstand beside me with an alarm clock that said 3:15am.  I turned my head over and there was a person laying next to me.  Sleeping.  The room had a low shimmering glow from the moon in the sky outside.  Panic began to overtake me.  Where was I?  I sat up and I startled the woman that was sleeping next to me. 
She turned over and put her hand on my back, "What's wrong honey?" 

And I pulled away quickly, "Who are you?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" she looked at me very confused.

"Where am I?"

"You're at home, John."

"This isn't my home."

"What's going on John? This isn't funny," she said. "Did you have a bad dream?"

"Where is it?"
"Where's what?"

"Th--th-the thing.  The shadow thing."
"Okay, you're freaking me out now John.  I'm going back to sleep."

I looked down at my hands.  They were grown up hands.  Adult hands.  I saw a mirror on top of a dresser against the wall and saw that I was an adult now.  I had grown up.  But I had no memories of growing up.  I had no memories of this stranger laying in bed.  And I knew not to talk to strangers.  What happened? I would believe I dreamt the whole damn thing if I woke up in my childhood bed.  With my Star Wars bedsheets.  And my toys on the floor.  With my parents in the next room in that small apartment. But I wasn't there.  I was in this strange place that I didn't recognize.  

     As the years have gone by, people from my life have slowly tried to fill me in on the life that I don't remember.  My mom tells me stories of when I was kid all the time to help me to try and remember but I only remember her when she was younger.  This older woman that she was now even looks strange to me.  It's hard to trust her.  Hard to believe this is my mother.  It's hard to listen to these stories and not think that she is talking about somebody else.  There are parts I remember from before the shadow thing that matches my memory but everything after I don't have any memories.  And nothing clicks.  Nothing comes back.  It's a total void.  I have no memory of my life.  The woman who woke up next to me, left me.  Because I couldn't remember who she was.  But I didn't feel anything.  In many ways, I still felt like a child for a long time.  If I were to be this adult, I still had a lot of growing up to do.  In my bones I still wanted to just grab my bike and ride in the sunlight.  Like how I did all those years ago.  I never got to grow out of that.  I never felt my first kiss.  Didn't experience my graduation.  My first car or going to college.  I just have memories of riding my bike and feeling free.  But all that's gone now.

      I still get panic attacks from time to time.  And at night, I get nightmares of that shadow thing.  It has taken me a long time to get comfortable closing my eyes and seeing the darkness there.  It reminds me of that deep, dark void I saw.  Complete nothingness that my soul could have existed inside.  Forever.  I keeping thinking that I'm going to see a flash or wake up from one of my nightmares and be back there again.  With that thing standing in front of me.  And I could get another chance to outrun that thing.  If only I could have unfroze my body and ran up that hill and grabbed my bike.  I could have outrun that thing.  I could have gotten back home and been safe.  I could have been back in time for dinner and I would never go back there again.  There is a part of me that hopes that would happen.  For me to be back there in that moment again and get another chance.  Because of what it told me.  "You are never leaving here.  You are stuck with me," it said.  Was I still stuck in one of its illusions?  Is it still possible for me to go back to my old life?  It's been years.  And I fear, I will die an old man.  With so many new memories of this new life and once I am ready to take my last breath and find peace, there will be another flash and that thing will laugh its inhuman cackle and show me its evil long smile.  Showing me its sharp white teeth that is surrounded by infinite deep black nothingness. And reveal to me that none of that was real.  And that even if I went back to my young life again, I would have all these new memories of being an adult that were never real.  And that sense of freedom, that sense of having the whole world still to experience would be gone anyway.

 

The Silken Plains

"the Silken Plains"

    Below the red skies I rode. I had been riding so long I had begun to let the ache in my muscles fade out of my mind. I blinked hard a few times to get the weariness out of my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose as I gazed upon those bluish and violet hills in the distance, squinting under the orange dwarf sun's light searching for meaning among the shapes of the hills where there was none.

    To the east were pale purple and yellow grass on flat silken prairie stretching out as far as the eye could see until finally disappearing into colossal summits of hellish snow capped mountains. To the west were web-like pink and grayish forests where no light seemed to pierce. But I focused forward on the pastures straight ahead of me. Focused on those rolling plains of purple silk and blue meadow.  That’s where they were. 

    Night had begun to stretch across the starlit sky. The hellish orange and reddish hue of day started to become a deep grayish purple and blue as this planet's sun began to dip below the horizon revealing infinite sparkling points of pale light twinkling all across the sky. I knew I needed to set up camp soon and start a fire before the infinite dark swallowed what little light I had left. Before the terrors of these plains came crawling.  

    I knew I would be safe with a fire. Safe among its warm light. I had been riding these parts most of my life. Grew up learning these lands. Until I left for the municipality of Xenos. That’s where I met you. I always thought one day you would be here with me, thought maybe we would be looking up at the stars together watching the twin moons dancing, watching this planet's turquoise rings radiating their vibrant colors as they moved like rivers across the sky from one horizon to the other as they spun around the planet. I wonder where you are right now. I wonder if you even think about me? Or are you off planet somewhere? I guess it doesn't really matter.

    I needed to focus on making my fire instead of on thoughts of you; before all manner of human-sized creatures begin to crawl near. A large enough fire to have a circle of light of ten meters, I think that should be good enough. That's what I learned growing up. That’s what my dad taught me.  The light always kept the creatures away and there always needed to be a circle of ten meters of light. At least. Anything less and you’re asking for trouble.

    I rolled out my mat and tied my horse down inside the ring of light. I laid down upon the silken sheen of the pink and yellow dirt watching the massive rings above, silently swirling against star-ways and galaxies that were glowing behind them, flowing like a stream of shimmering water in the night sky; glimmering every star point with ivory diamond light. I think about you when I'm alone like this. When I watch the star-ways, wondering if you are looking at the same stars as me. Right at this moment, at the same time as me. Maybe we are connected in this moment without even knowing it.  When you left me, I was broken.  I thought there was nothing left for me.  It's because of you I am out here right now riding across these silken plains again hunting those things. I also needed to get away from the suffocation of the municipality. I needed to get away from everything and figure my life out.  I needed to make some money.

    Night had begun to spread itself across the plains and it didn't take long for things to start moving inside the darkness. I could already hear all the prairie's living things crawling near, pattering quickly with their strong legs and coming right to the edge of the light. I can see one of them already. I can see all of its fifteen eyes glowing an emerald green, reflecting the flickering light from my fire. Its alien clicking sounds cackling and crunching into the night air. Its many-jointed limbs tapping into the dirt as it moves around eagerly just beyond the edges of the light.  This massive creature looked like an eight digit hand but with large, spiny, hairy legs instead of fingers. Crawling and pattering quickly back and forth amongst the darkness just beyond where I can see. Its leathery and muscular body moving among the shadows.  Kicking dirt and bouncing eagerly, trying to figure out a way to grab me and drag me away into the darkness.

    They were spiders the size of a full grown person. They were common here. That’s why I was really here.  I needed their venom to sell.  I needed to make some money. And spider venom was really valuable around these parts.  I knew they never came into the light, but they always tested how close they could get because as my dad told me, they could always smell the flesh of humans. You always had to be alert.  Always had to be aware of where they were.  I saw one rip apart a man to pieces once. It grabbed the man with its legs and stretched him apart until he was ripped in two. I will never forget his screams. I was 14 I think.

    Looks like it’s going to be another long night but at least I'll be thinking about you as I watch the turquoise rings swirl and radiate their infinite colors like star-way river streams, wishing you were here with me to see all this beauty.  I was going to have to track this spider back to its den in the morning.  You couldn’t hunt them at night.  That was just asking for a painful death.

    The next morning I woke up from a nightmare. It was of that man getting ripped apart again.  He was a hired hand for my dad.  We needed the help back then to hunt these spiders.  We had set up camp and the fire was big, creating a huge circle of light.  We were all talking and laughing and the man became too comfortable and got reckless.  He strayed too close to the edge of the light.  That’s when I saw it.  A huge spider emerging from the darkness, crawling frantically toward the man. All its legs moving quickly in perfect harmony. You could hear the furious tapping sounds of all its legs hitting the dirt as it sprinted to get close to the man.  It came right to the edge of the light and pulled the man by his ankles and lifted him into to air grabbing his other leg with another one of its many appendages and pulled him apart.  The man screamed in terror for help. There was nothing we could do.  It happened so fast. You could hear the sound of flesh ripping. It sounded like paper being torn apart.  And where his legs came together at the groin, you could see stringy red flesh being pulled apart as his body ripped down the center.  As he screamed in horror, his shoulders separated and his head flopped and bobbed as it stayed connected to his right shoulder.  It was an explosion of blood and wet chunks of meat as red mist sprayed into the night air.  That dream never seems to go away. I can still see his face as he realized his body was ripping apart. His eyes will haunt me forever.

    I wiped the sleep from my eyes. The sun was just beginning to peek over the horizon with streaks of fire yellow and red dancing on its giant arcs like living flame moving like colossal giants made of fire. The rest of the sky was still a blue and pale purple with stars slowly fading into the backdrop of a red and orange day.

    There was barely a sound on the prairie. Barely anything moving except for the giant spider. It was still here. It had waited here the whole night. Staying just beyond the edge of the light. That was unusual. They never did that when I was out here with my dad. Usually as the sunlight began to stretch across the sky the spiders would scurry away back into their dens not wanting to endure the sting of the heat. But this one refused to leave. It seemed to have a tolerance for the heat.

    These spiders had become more and more resistant to the sunlight. Making it more dangerous to be out here.  But I needed the money.  Even if it had been decades since I had been back here. Things change fast in the galaxy.  My life fell apart just as fast. Faster than memory and nostalgia. Those things seem to never change in our minds. Just like my memory of you. No matter what I'm going through, you seem to always be in my thoughts. I hate it sometimes. I really need to think about my situation.  About this damn spider that refused to go back to its den.  I was going to hunt this one.  But I needed it to be asleep and with its guard down.  It was still early and the sun wasn’t high enough in the sky yet so there was still time for this stubborn spider to feel the sting of the light.

     I was going to need to keep my fire going if I was to outlast this thing. It surely wouldn't last long with more heat. It would have to leave. I just needed to get another fire grease ball from my pack so I could make the fire last a little longer. I guess I was going to have to get comfortable again because I wasn't going anywhere until this spider left.  The sky was not a full bright yellow and red yet. The day wasn’t in full swing but this spider was still pacing around the heat of my fire. I had moved the flame near my horse but my horse was starting to get uncomfortable with the heat being so near.  I started to worry that my horse was going to get impatient and panic. It was beginning to neigh and move around anxiously. It was ready to move but I knew we couldn't just yet. That spider could scurry with its many legs, just as fast as my horse could run and would catch us no problem. Even with my horse at full sprint.

     Finally, this giant spider had had enough of the sun and the heat and began to scurry away back toward its den. With all of its legs moving perfectly, one right after another in smooth motions it crawled away like a giant hand crawling across the ground.  I was thinking its den was somewhere beyond the large rocks to the north.  I was going to follow this massive creature and kill it and take its venom.  I was going to bring a large enough torch with me. I gathered some of the tinder I had been burning and used some of my grafting straps and scion glue to piece together a large make-shift torch. I attached it to the bottom of my saddle so I could hold it upright as I rode along.

    The flame was so red it made it hard to see, I could barely see where it ended and the sky began. I climbed atop of my horse and slowly made my way toward the northern rocks. The spider seemed to be staying just far enough ahead that it was no problem for me to follow.

    However, with the dwarf sun and the red flames, the heat was getting too much for the spider and it started to move more quickly. I needed to quicken my pace if I were stay up with it. That would prove to be a mistake. As my horse bounced more vigorously in its gallop I began to lose my grip on my torch and it finally fell and the flames hit at the hinds of my horse causing it to buck wildly. Throwing me off. I hit the pink dirt so hard it knocked the wind out of me. I panicked. Gasping for air as I tried to find my torch. I looked around wildly and it was still attached to my horse who was still bucking around aggressively.  I got up quickly and ran to my horse.  Calming it down.  Rubbing the side of its head and it slowly regained its composure. I looked toward the northern rocks and I didn’t see the spider anymore.  Damn it, I thought.  I lost it.  But it couldn’t have gotten too far.  I would just have to move more quickly toward the rocks and hopefully I would catch up with it.

    I hopped on my horse and started galloping towards the rocks. Scanning the prairie lands for any movement.  But I couldn’t see anything.  Damn, where did this thing go.  I moved my hand above my eyes, shielding them from the light of the sun.  I couldn’t find which direction it went until finally I saw some tracks.  I smiled, there you are, I said, and started my horse in that direction.

    I needed the money, I kept saying.  Hunting spiders was dangerous and hardly anyone did it anymore but I really needed the money. It was my only hope of getting my life together and maybe getting a second chance with Jessica.  I thought of her hair, her smile.  The way she looked when the graphite lights of the skyscrapers poured through our windows.  I could almost feel her again but that’s when the spider emerged from the ground.  It threw open a slab of dirt like a door leading to a basement cellar.  Half its body jumped out and grabbed my horse and as it dragged it back into its dirt cellar, I flew off my horse and hit the ground, dislocating my shoulder.  The pain was sharp and fast.  I couldn’t breathe.  I could only hear the wails of my horse as it was dragged underground.  It was doing something to it and I couldn’t see any of it.  I could only hear the sounds of my horse being preyed upon by a giant spider. 

    I got up and looked around and saw the torch lying on the ground.  I sprinted to get it but not before the giant spider lurched out again from underground and tripped me.  Curling the end of its spiny, leathery leg around my ankle, it started dragging me toward its underground den. I started flaying my arms around trying to grab something. Anything. There was nothing to grab. Then I started punching the spider's leg but it had no effect. I started screaming desperately for help but knew no one would hear me. No one came out into these plains unless you were hunting spiders. And there was no one left anymore. No one did that anymore.  I got reckless. I shouldn't have come out here. This was how it was going to end. I was going to die just like that prairie-hand I saw all those years ago that got ripped apart.

    I closed my eyes. Jessica, I thought, I wish I could see you one more time. I wish we didn't drift apart the way that we did. I wish so many things and now, here in the moment of my death I find myself thinking of only you. I'm so sorry. And just as quickly as the spider pulled him into the air, it tore him apart like paper.  Leaving an explosion of meat and blood crashing and flopping to the ground.  And the spider scurried back into its underground dirt den.  And it was silent on the prairie again.  Only the sounds of this land existed and nothing else.  Only a mist of red lingered in the air, shimmering in the sunlight.  That was all that was left of him. And after some time, all manner of creatures came out to where the pieces of his body lay and each dragged away their own piece of meat.  And there were no sounds of horror anymore.  No screams.  Just the sounds of heat and the prairie feasting.