I have debated whether or not to write this for my soul is damned either way, that I am sure. The threads of my reality are unraveling and I fear my mind has wandered too far from sanity to ever find its way back. There are things that exist beyond the here and now, terrible sinister things that exist beyond the edges of madness, beyond the most horrible of things. Things that are happening to us that we are not aware that make our very souls cry out in pain. Because time, I have come to understand is an illusion for pain and suffering.
Over the course of this past year all my reasoning, my sanity, my very grip on reality has come into question and although I have tried to stay strong, this is all too frightening for me to handle on my own. About a year ago I was still working, still talking to people, still able to look into mirrors. Back then I wasn't scared of the dark, wasn't scared of the moving shadows with no owner on the walls.
I used to wake up in the morning about when the night started clearing for day. Although now, I only sleep during the day and only if I am able to sleep. I used to go through my morning routine, go to work and come home, watch t.v. and browse the internet for a while. I had a printer I rarely used because it had no ink and everything I needed to print I did at work anyway.
One morning, as I was going through my routine still wiping the sleep from my eyes I noticed a paper laying in the printer tray, face down. I went over to the paper and turned it over, there was nothing on it but three dots on the bottom right corner. It looked like an ellipsis. At first I thought that was really strange and since it still had paper I chalked it up to maybe the printer printed a tester page or something. I found it strange however, that this was the fist time it did something like that since I got it. I threw the paper away and went on with my day.
It wasn't until three days later that my printer had another occurrence. This time I was about to walk out to leave for work and I heard the printer click on and start printing something. I went back to the printer in my living room and saw a piece of paper laying in its tray. I grabbed it and on it read "Don't you understand?" I became very alarmed this time. I couldn't understand how it could print that and with no ink. At that moment, a heavy eerie feeling washed over me, almost like an epiphany of dread and I realized I felt like someone was watching me just then. I unplugged the printer and left for work, figured I'd deal with it when I got back and store it away. The whole day at work I was unsettled, couldn't focus and for some reason could hear whispering all day around my cubicle. Just felt uncomfortable all day. Some of my co-workers could see I was concerned so they invited me for some drinks after work. I could use a beer I thought so I went.
When I got home I was quite a bit away from sober and forgot about the printer, just went straight to bed. Later that night I woke up thirsty and went to the kitchen for some water. I could smell burning and just then noticed a soft red glow coming from the living room. At first I thought something had caught fire because the smell was so apparent but realized the printer was on, glowing one of its red lights. I thought I had unplugged it. I checked the outlet, it was clearly plugged in. I figured I must have unplugged the wrong cord, but there were no other cords unplugged. Again that heavy feeling of dread came over me, this time overwhelmingly to the point I was having trouble breathing. I made sure to unplug the printer and tried to get some sleep. The burning smell had dissipated after the red light went out. All night I wrestled with the dread and couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching me lay in bed. I left my light on that night.
In the morning while I was getting ready I noticed another paper in the tray. I figured I might have not noticed it last night since it was dark and I was tired and afraid. I grabbed it and turned it over and it read "...I am in hell..." This time I was terrified. That horrible feeling of dread returned. I took the printer and all the cords and put it away in the hallway closet. All day that phrase "...I am in hell..." kept repeating itself in my head. I told a friend about what happened but felt those judgmental eyes of disbelief. I started to hear more whispers throughout the days, feeling like people were judging me, talking about me behind my back. I kept my fears to myself, figured I'd rather handle it myself than have people look down on me. Perhaps a mistake in hindsight.
A few weeks later I was woken up in the middle of the night, maybe around 2am, to electronic noises coming from the hallway. I got up quickly and grabbed the nearest thing as a weapon. I went into the hallway and quickly realized it was coming from the closet. I swung open the door and saw my printer printing papers, hundreds of them. A series of phrases were printed over and over again thousands of times. "Don't you understand? I am in hell. Don't let me go back...." I began to smell and taste the copper of blood in my nostrils and then my nose started bleeding. I rushed to the kitchen for a paper towel and on my way noticed a pair of eyes staring at me through the blinds. I live on the third floor. I ran over to the window and the eyes vanished. I realized then that someone maybe really had been watching me this whole time. There was no way someone could have been outside my window on the third floor. I was scared.
After that night I went to the dump and threw away the printer. I didn't want it near me or in the alley by the dumpster or by where I lived, just wanted it gone. I kept these things to myself but now I wish perhaps I had fought for my sanity sooner. This is when the nightmares started.
For weeks on end I couldn't sleep because of these nightmares where I was literally being burned alive inside a lake of fire. Everything was getting worse. I was losing my grip. One night I woke up with the haunting urge to go to the living room computer. The screen was on but black. In the top left corner of the screen in white text read "Don't you understand? I am in hell. Don't let me go back...." And it began repeating itself over and over again like hundreds of lines of code scrolling upward. Then one of the blinds moved and I ran over to it and looked down into the back alley and in the darkness I could see someone crouched down by the dumpster looking up at me. I couldn't see a face or any distinguishable features. My heart shot through with terror. I contacted the police the next day but they couldn't help because there had been no wrong doing. Just a man and his insecurities slowly eroding, slowly venturing into madness.
A few days later my phone had a missed call and a voicemail was left. As I began to play it, shouts and screams flooded my ear and I dropped the phone. It turned itself on speaker and I could hear what sounded like thousands of people screaming out in pain. Pure horrific terror in their screams. I stood there horrified for about ten seconds until the screaming gave way to garbled, hysterical crying and groans that slowly were overtaken by the sounds of spilling meat and tearing flesh. I never again used my phone.
I began unplugging all my electronics; computer, t.v., microwave, anything that needed to be plugged in. Then one night I woke up with my bedroom television turned on to a static channel. I stared at it for few moments and I could hear something coming from it mixed in with the static sound. Almost like really low screams, agonizing screams. Again I got that feeling of dread only this time it felt far more sinister like something rather than someone was watching me this time.
I could barely sleep at this point. I was still having the nightmares and every night even though every single electrical appliance was unplugged I could still feel like something was on in my apartment. I kept only my lights on. I was too frightened of the dark and the night because every night I still felt something was watching me. Leaving the light on felt like I could fight the dark but I was sorely mistaken.
I had lost my job due to poor performance and lack of attendance. I could barely function let alone hold a job. Then one day I found my computer screen on with a black screen and a blinking cursor. It began typing "You will be cast into the lake of fire...I know this for our soul has been forsaken..." That's when I lost the little sanity I had left. I started laughing maniacally and yelling at the walls in hysterical laughter asking it what it wanted from me as if the answer would come melting through the walls and appear. I started crying hysterically and fell to the ground. Then the t.v. turned on with static erupting from the speakers. Then silence. Then a video started playing; close up shots of red, bloody flesh being torn apart, people moaning sexually and painfully, slabs of meat were writhing and moving and sliding past each other. Couldn't see where one piece of flesh ended and another began. Then black. I was shaking uncontrollably. Then another video popped on screen.
It was me talking into the screen as if I was recording myself. I was a mess, my face was pale and sunken in with dark rings around my eyes. There were deep scratches on my face; some seemed fresh and others were old dried up scabs. My head had bald spots from where hair had been torn out. I could see my apartment in the background, windows taped up with red plastic. Items all thrown about on the floor. I kept mumbling incomprehensible things. It looked like I hadn't slept or eaten for days. There were weird symbols on the walls, satanic looking symbols in red paint, candles lit and certain phrases written all over. Then as if looking right at me through the screen I told myself "Don't you understand? I am in hell. Don't let me go back..."
I have no solace in writing this and telling you because my soul is already damned, that much I am sure. There are far more sinister things that linger around in the dark than what we perceive in our reality I fear; far more horrible things a person shouldn't witness that can bend the mind into horrifying shapes from where there is no coming back. I fear for far more than just my life but for my very salvation.
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