Coil

      I write this now hoping it will provide me the comfort that I seemed to have lost.  The grounded comfort of what it means to be alive.  To have experiences you remember and that have a tangible feeling on your soul that has helped you grow into the person you are.  But I seem to only have memories to a certain point.  So I hope in writing this, I can find some of those comforts so many others enjoy.

     It was the summer of '96.  The way the world moved was different in those days. The town of Toppenish was different back then.  Kids could wake up with eager hearts to play outside and disappear in the morning, maybe scarf down breakfast in a hurry so they can leave in a rush and return when the sun was going down just in time for dinner.  Right before it got dark, my mom would always say, be back before dark.  That's all that was required.  At least that hasn't changed much, I would assume.  But I'm not sure though. Back then, our parents would make sure we were okay and being safe and were home before dark.  It gave us kids a lot of freedom.  

     Downtown was barely even a quarter mile stretch.  It had only a few businesses.  A video rental place.  A laundromat and a post office all within walking distance from each other.  We didn't live close to the city center but it was a short bike ride away for me and my friends.  I could go to any corner of town with my bike no problem.  There was a sense of freedom in that, like I had the whole world in reaching distance.

     We lived at the edge of town.  Where it stopped like a wall.  Like someone had drawn a line and said, no more houses or apartments beyond this point.  Beyond the row of small houses and apartments was just farm fields and brush for miles.  It's different now.  No more farmland.  Just more houses and an elementary school.  But back then, the town stopped in a straight line and open farmland started.  Straight roads that connected the nearby towns together stretched away in straight lines.  No transit buses. No taxis or ubers.  Nothing like that.  You either had a car or you bummed a ride from someone you knew or knew someone that knew someone.  And if you were really desperate you would walk the fifteen or twenty miles to the next town over and hope that someone driving by would pull over and offer you a ride. 

     I would wake up early on those summer days and the first thing I would do was throw on some shorts and take my bike out the back door.  There were boxes crowding the small walkway that led to the backdoor and my mom would always hear me moving the boxes so I could wheel my bike out.  It was a small apartment, it was only four of us, my mom, my dad, my sister and me but it already wasn't enough space.

"Hey!" my mom would shout from her bedroom, barely waking up, "where do you think you're going mister?" I can still hear her like it was yesterday.

"I'm just gonna ride around the block mom, I'll be back soon," I would tell her as I wheeled my bicycle out the door.

"Okay, but be back soon.  I'm going to make breakfast and you'd better be here to eat it before it gets cold," she would say.  I never wanted to upset her by not eating her food.  She always reminded us how hard our dad worked so we could have food on the table.  'You clean that plate mister', she would say.  Meaning we better eat everything she served us.  That was easy, my mom was a good cook.

     Those were the days of growing up with a certain sense of freedom and safety but also knowing you were taken care of.   Not like how it is when you're an adult.  Having to hold a job.  Paying your bills.  Dealing with people you don't like. Everything becomes such a blur when you're an adult, its hard to create meaningful memories.  Back then though, you could still be the master of your own life even if you really didn't actually have that much power.  It didn't matter, everything still felt completely free and endless.  And when I rode my bike, I felt like discovery was just around any corner.  Not so much anymore.

      That's the way I remember it anyway. The way world moves today feels different.  But I was a kid then.  What did I know about the world.  There were no smartphones back then, no internet, no wi-fi.  We got most our entertainment from the television and if not from there, comic books or the radio and if not from there then all we had was our imagination.  Maybe that's why certain things feel sterile today.  Maybe that's why the world feels, how do you say, not as authentic as back then.  It's not a matter of taste, there's just something about it that just doesn't feel right.  Something that doesn't feel real to me.  And I struggle with that.

     During that summer, I left in the morning like I always do.  I wheeled my bike through the back walkway and carefully moved the boxes and again, as she always did, my mom shouted, "Where do you think you're going mister?"

"Just going to ride a few blocks mom, I'll be back soon. I'm not hungry today," I shouted back.

"Okay, but make sure you don't stay in the sun too long or you'll burn yourself."

"Okay mom."

I rode around the neighborhood for a little while and it was hot that day.  I could feel the sting of the heat on my neck and beads of sweat rolling down my face.  I decided I wanted to go to the small stream just outside of town.  It was a narrow stream that flowed underneath a small bridge.  There was lots of shade there and it was usually cool.  I rode toward where the line of houses and apartments separated from the farm fields that seemed to stretch out into infinity.  I loved riding out there watching the irrigation water flowing through the trenches of the strawberry patches and then the through cucumber plants on the next field over.  There was so much produce growing out there.  I could exist out there for much longer than my mother would like.  And some days, I did.  I would just chase small frogs or splash sticks into the water.  But today I was going to the small stream that ran underneath a small bridge.

     Once I got to the fields I turned down Bleeker street and followed that straight until the flat farm land turned into trees and bushes.  The road led away from town.  There were no sounds out there other than the sounds of the moving world.  No people.  Just the sound of buzzing insects and the wavy heat from the sun.  There was just the soft gargle of the irrigation water flowing through long ditches.  I felt completely free and alone out there as I rode my bike feeling the warm air blowing against my face.  I wasn't even sure where the road led beyond the stream, this was my whole world.  As far as I was concerned, it was the whole wide world.

     When I finally made it to the bridge I leaned my bike against the barrier.  I was never worried about anyone stealing my bike.  I never saw anyone around there.  I then slowly made my way down the slope leading to the stream. I took careful steps down a steep slope. I leaned back as I carefully took my steps.  I put one hand down as I stepped, to prevent my feet from slipping.  It wasn't too long of a slope but it was a little steep, with slippery spots.  If you weren't careful, you could easily slip and tumble  down.

     I made it down to the banks of the stream.  It wasn't a wide stream, maybe twelve to fifteen feet wide.  It flowed across and under the bridge.  The shade here was such a relief from the heat.  The beads of sweat stopped dripping and the air under the thicket of trees felt fresh and cool.  You could barely see through the lines of trees.  It was very shady here.  And looking underneath the bridge the shade was even darker.  It was hard to see at times.  I played by the water for a little swinging sticks in the air and splashing water for a while before I heard a voice coming from underneath the bridge.

"Hey, little boy," the voice said.

I turned around in shock because there was never anyone here.  I just stared into the dark shade under the bridge trying my hardest to figure out who the voice belonged to but couldn't see anyone.

"Hey..." the voice said again, "over here."  And then I saw it, a man, or something that looked like a man, sitting on the ground leaning up against the wall.  He had one leg outstretched and the other bent upward with his arm hanging over his knee.  "You got anything to drink?" he asked in a raspy dry tone.  Like how a voice would sound in the morning after being at a concert and shouting all night.

"No sir," I replied immediately wanting to leave and go home.  Never talk to strangers.  Everyone knew that.

"It's hotter than the fire's of hell today, isn't it."

"Yes sir," I said as fear began to overtake my body.  Something about this man wasn't right.  I wanted to go home but my body wasn't listening to me.  I just stood there.  

"You're not thinking about going home are you?" the voice said.  "You just got here."

I didn't reply.  I didn't want to get into a conversation.  I knew enough that I wasn't supposed to talk to strangers.  And this man was sitting underneath a bridge outside of town.  I knew enough to want to go home and not engage in any kind of conversation.  But there was something else.  Something that felt not of this world about the man.  I could feel it in my bones.  

"Don't be afraid Johnny boy, I'm not going to hurt you," he said.  I was in complete shock because how did he know my name.  Did he know my parents? How did he know me?

"Johnny boy, oh johnny boy," he said singing in a low raspy voice.  "Why won't you play with me?"

I couldn't reply.  Fear had me frozen stiff.  Freezing parts of me that would have already run away.  I just stared into the dark shade underneath the bridge as this man spoke to me. I could barely even speak.

"I n-need to go home, sir," I said to the darkness that was shaped like a man.

"No you don't, Johnny boy," he said as he stood up.  I couldn't make out any features. I couldn't see a face or skin or anything. He was just a black silhouette in the shape of a man.  Like a shadow moving that wasn't stuck to the walls.  He then pointed at me and I looked down at my pants and I had peed myself.

"No no no, that just won't do, now will it, Johnny boy," it hissed.  "What would your father think.  Tsk, tsk tsk," he said in a disappointed tone.  I didn't know what I was looking at.  It was just darkness moving like a man.  And the shaded areas of the bridge were growing and becoming a complete shapeless darkness.  Like a void.  No details.  No texture.  Just complete darkness that swallowed the light. It moved and stretched up from the ground and over everything underneath the bridge.  The thing started lumbering toward me.  Moving in an unnatural way.

"Don't worry Johnny boy, I'm not going to hurt you," it said as parts of its body started disappearing into the void.  "But you're stuck here with me now," it said. "For eternity," it said as it revealed a long smile that shined bright white sharp teeth.  Like a shark's teeth.  Like the mouth a predator.  "Doesn't that sound nice, Johnny boy."

I wanted to move so badly but couldn't muster an inch.  It was right, I was stuck.  It was like it had an invisible grip around my whole body.

"You want to leave?" it asked.  "Go ahead, say it, and I will let you leave," it taunted as it continued to lumber forward toward me. Taking one step at a time. I couldn't get any words out.  Just empty air escaped my mouth.  Where the bridge was, underneath was just a black void stretching out into infinite nothingness.  It was slowly stretching to the ground underneath my feet.  

"Oh, what's that, nothing to say," it said toying with me.  "Seems to me, you want to stay.  Oh, I think that would be okay.  You can stay Johnny boy, you can stay forever. I can make you see whatever I want.  You can have whatever you want."

"I j-j-just want to g-g-go home!" I finally shouted. And the thing stopped moving.

"I'm impressed, Johnny boy," it said.  "Okay, you can go home," it said again revealing its sharp long smile.  "If you can outrun me Johnny boy."

And then in a flash, I found myself running up the slope toward my bike.  I don't know how I got here but I knew I was running and I continued to run.  I felt something behind me chasing me.  I turned around and a snarling void in the shape of a man with sharp white teeth and blood oozing from the side of its mouth like saliva was charging me. Like an animal chasing its prey ready to sink its jaws into my flesh.  It was charging right behind me.  I could feel it moving behind me.  I could hear its feet stomping into the ground so close behind.  The panic was so intense it almost made me freeze again.  But I forced myself to keep moving.  I screamed and scrambled up the slope on all fours before reaching my bicycle.  I hopped on and rode as fast as I could and turned around again and there it was, a large black void shadow, chasing me with a gaping open mouth and blood dripping from its mouth. I rode hard toward the sunlight.  To the breaking tree line. To get back home.  Where it was safe. But I could hear its thumping footsteps on the road sprinting behind me. I rode as fast as my legs would push. Then I noticed, it had already bitten me.  I was missing a huge chunk of my stomach.  I hadn't noticed before because the panic was so intense but my intestines were spilling out of my stomach.  Tumbling out and twisting into the bike chains.  I could feel the strength in my legs leaving me.  My heart was beating like it was going to explode but even with my innards spilling out of me I just needed to keep going. When I got to the sunlight, I saw another flash.  And I was back, standing in front of the dark figure again.

"Hahaha!" it laughed loudly in a terrible cackle.  Like some kind of animal gargling its tongue.  "See, Johnny boy, you are stuck here with me.  Forever.  You are never leaving here."

I looked down where the part of my stomach was missing and it was fine.  No bite.  No intestines spilling out.  No blood. 

"I'm going to eat you, how does that sound.  I'm going to rip you apart and drink your blood," it said as it took a step toward me.

I closed my eyes tight and I could hear it steps coming toward me until finally, it was standing directly next to me and I opened my eyes very briefly.  I saw it right in front of my face.  A deep void of nothingness.  Like the infinite expanse of outer space.  I could feel a hopeless dread deeper than anything I had felt in my life devouring my soul.  Like how it feels when you get the air knocked out of you.  But for my soul.  Like my consciousness was being eaten.  I could feel myself losing my grip on who I was.  Losing what I was.  Losing my grip on reality.

     This is the part that still haunts me to this day.  My eyes were then overcome in white light and reality seemed to pour back in.  Slowly I could see details of a room.  I saw a TV.  I began to see a window and a lamp.  I was laying in a bed.  There was a nightstand beside me with an alarm clock that said 3:15am.  I turned my head over and there was a person laying next to me.  Sleeping.  The room had a low shimmering glow from the moon in the sky outside.  Panic began to overtake me.  Where was I?  I sat up and I startled the woman that was sleeping next to me. 
She turned over and put her hand on my back, "What's wrong honey?" 

And I pulled away quickly, "Who are you?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" she looked at me very confused.

"Where am I?"

"You're at home, John."

"This isn't my home."

"What's going on John? This isn't funny," she said. "Did you have a bad dream?"

"Where is it?"
"Where's what?"

"Th--th-the thing.  The shadow thing."
"Okay, you're freaking me out now John.  I'm going back to sleep."

I looked down at my hands.  They were grown up hands.  Adult hands.  I saw a mirror on top of a dresser against the wall and saw that I was an adult now.  I had grown up.  But I had no memories of growing up.  I had no memories of this stranger laying in bed.  And I knew not to talk to strangers.  What happened? I would believe I dreamt the whole damn thing if I woke up in my childhood bed.  With my Star Wars bedsheets.  And my toys on the floor.  With my parents in the next room in that small apartment. But I wasn't there.  I was in this strange place that I didn't recognize.  

     As the years have gone by, people from my life have slowly tried to fill me in on the life that I don't remember.  My mom tells me stories of when I was kid all the time to help me to try and remember but I only remember her when she was younger.  This older woman that she was now even looks strange to me.  It's hard to trust her.  Hard to believe this is my mother.  It's hard to listen to these stories and not think that she is talking about somebody else.  There are parts I remember from before the shadow thing that matches my memory but everything after I don't have any memories.  And nothing clicks.  Nothing comes back.  It's a total void.  I have no memory of my life.  The woman who woke up next to me, left me.  Because I couldn't remember who she was.  But I didn't feel anything.  In many ways, I still felt like a child for a long time.  If I were to be this adult, I still had a lot of growing up to do.  In my bones I still wanted to just grab my bike and ride in the sunlight.  Like how I did all those years ago.  I never got to grow out of that.  I never felt my first kiss.  Didn't experience my graduation.  My first car or going to college.  I just have memories of riding my bike and feeling free.  But all that's gone now.

      I still get panic attacks from time to time.  And at night, I get nightmares of that shadow thing.  It has taken me a long time to get comfortable closing my eyes and seeing the darkness there.  It reminds me of that deep, dark void I saw.  Complete nothingness that my soul could have existed inside.  Forever.  I keeping thinking that I'm going to see a flash or wake up from one of my nightmares and be back there again.  With that thing standing in front of me.  And I could get another chance to outrun that thing.  If only I could have unfroze my body and ran up that hill and grabbed my bike.  I could have outrun that thing.  I could have gotten back home and been safe.  I could have been back in time for dinner and I would never go back there again.  There is a part of me that hopes that would happen.  For me to be back there in that moment again and get another chance.  Because of what it told me.  "You are never leaving here.  You are stuck with me," it said.  Was I still stuck in one of its illusions?  Is it still possible for me to go back to my old life?  It's been years.  And I fear, I will die an old man.  With so many new memories of this new life and once I am ready to take my last breath and find peace, there will be another flash and that thing will laugh its inhuman cackle and show me its evil long smile.  Showing me its sharp white teeth that is surrounded by infinite deep black nothingness. And reveal to me that none of that was real.  And that even if I went back to my young life again, I would have all these new memories of being an adult that were never real.  And that sense of freedom, that sense of having the whole world still to experience would be gone anyway.